Im inlove with my GOD

Please stay a little longer with me today because I love you, my God and don't need to love much more. Loving you helps me love whats important to me and helps me forget about what is not relevant or neccessary. For example Dating and Falling in love with men who cannot give me what my Life can give me or my Family and Friends.

Stick to my number one rule Ally, you are here to make friends and if along the road you get picked up by a romance, don't let it consume you or distract you from your work , your life and your Family.

Today is my day to remember that I am loved and I don't need to go looking for it.

Stick to your guns Ally and dont get your self into trouble.

Love your GOD and he will help you Love your self.

xxxxxxx

Phone call to the Nurse this morning and Mums birthday

I called Daniel this morning. She was driving but had me on hands free. I began to ask her that when I was diagnosed in 2002 I was literally found in a cupboard. I haven't been found in a cupboard this time but the effects and symptoms feel the same. I began to explain to her that I feel I have broken boundaries and created the impossible where people can hear my thoughts. She gave me encouraging news that perhaps my brain is receiving too much or too little of a specific chemical which alters my perception of reality and almost tells my body what is happening is not really happening. She suggested she would speak to the Psychiatrist to perhaps prescribe a different drug that is going to alter that perception or phobia of mine so that I can work towards my goal of holding down a job. She sounded encouraged that I have aspirations and goals I would like to achieve and at least that is something that would guide me in the right direction.

I just want to be normal. Confident and self doubt free. I have concluded there is light at the end of the tunnel.

On a positive note > It is my moms birthday today. I got up at 5am and took her breakfast in bed at 6am with roses from the garden and Bayles and Harding bath gift set that I bought her. She seemed very pleased with all the gifts this morning from the family and so far I'm sure she is having a lovely morning.

Happy Birthday to you Mom. I love you!!!!!

I am trying to let go

Because of the mental depression and trauma I have put myself through I have no idea how I am going to be able to hold my job down. My family know they can hear every thought that runs through my head yet I get screamed at or they fight with me when I try and talk about it. I am hated with no sympathy and I am not understood. I desperately need some form of help whether its new medicine or medical treatment only problem its not happening. I cannot differentiate between an errational thought to a healthy one.

I have been told that this is my last chance to pull my self out of it because my sister now needs to rely on me after so many years that I have relied on her. I want that more than anything but they will not sympathize with me that I am sick and have a very bad problem on my hands.

My family can live with me in their presance but how do I sit in an office all day with complete strangers who do not understand. My insecurities project loud thought patterns which even strangers can hear. Even asking for a packet of tobacco at a co-op shop is difficult for me without everyone in the shop listening to my emotions and thoughts. Their body language changes when I talk and I hyperventilate with panic.

This is why I cannot sit in an office surrounded by strangers who are in my head ALL day every day, getting to the most private part of my mind and listening. Its fine with my family around because I have no other choice but to let them in. I have no where else to escape to so it becomes a safe haven.

I am so frightened. I do not know how to get better. I do not know how to fix my self to the way things were 4 months ago. I am lost and alone and scared.

Its all Bad happenings from here

I am writing this piece to remind my self about what is going to happen to me and how bad its really getting. I worked 3 days this week quitting on the 3rd day and was asked not to come back for the 4th day on a temporary contract reception assignment at an Estate Agent company. I struggled terribly to do the job and received a bad reference through the recruiter who employed me that my Line Manager had not been happy about my day 2 and 3 performance which is why they asked me not to come back on the 4th day. Thinking about all the recruiters I have been to see, it dawned on me today that the recruiter who interviewed me a few weeks back has ignored my follow up emails and queries, I am not getting feedback from the Dunston Hall recruiter and the very first recruiter who employed me at County Council does not relate to me anymore. I have bad blood with all these recruiters purely because I think the very first recruiter, Staff Call is giving out a bad reference for me and now I have another bad reference that will be put against my name by this job I did this week.

My mom and sister are sick of hearing my stories. I have created enemies at the job I did this week because I called to a women straight across from my desk to say goodbye when I was leaving and she didnt look up or acknowledge me. She just ignored me after I stood right by her desk and called her 3 times. I received very bad body language from several people going into the work place this morning and in that not only do I have work people as enemies, my family are also enemies to me.

My mother hates my guts. No one can understand that I am struggerling with an awful problem of Sphycotic thoughts and emotions and I am pleading for my life for medical help but no one will listen. I cannot understand why my medicine is not working.....

My sister said to me in the car this morning on the way to work that I would only receive serious treatment if I was found in a cubourd wrapped in a blanket mumberling to my self. What they do not understand, is this is how I really feel but Im just not doing it.

Every time I start new work, I create enemies because people can hear every second thought that runs through my mind. I am projecting my thoughts out and do not know how to stop it. Can anyone imagine how tremendously difficult that is for someone to live with and try and hold down a job with.

It was so terrifying trying to get through the week at the Estate Agent that people were hating me for having to endure hearing every insecure thought that ran through my head.

I have broken boundaries of the impossible where thoughts cannot be heard....my can.....although at the end of the story the people closest to me will not admit it. I do not know how I am going to get through this and I do not know where the road is going to take me. All I know is that I need help because I cannot help my self.

I had a dream last night that a creature like Golum from Lord of the Rings was under my bed yet this creature was about 3 times uglier then the movie character. I could see the creature clearly and it was hiding under my bed ready to create destruction.

I am frightened to death. I need to be able to hold down a job so that my family can Financially rely on me yet I cannot find the inner strength or ability to do that. I am terrified for my life and whether in the next few weeks, I will be ending myself.............................

Taking Pictures of myself self self........

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fXh8B4yWVKk

Sitting in my bedroom tonight
Thinking of how to change your mind
Since you walked out my life again
Yeah,
So I strike a pose and tilt my chin and hold the light to suit my skin
Your favorite t-shirt on again

Counting hours, counting lies
3, 2, 1 and I smile

Taking pictures of myself, self, self
Taking pictures of myself, self self
Guess I'm reaching out to be assured
All I wanted was to be adored

Now you're telling me I'm vain, vain, vain
But you don't feel my pain, pain, pain
Facing life upon the shelf, shelf, shelf
Taking pictures of myself, self, self

Taking pictures of myself [x4]

I'll post it up in black and white
With a depressing quote on my life
So that you see what I'm going through
Yeah,
This is desperation at it's best
A conversation to be left
But all my pride was burned by you

Counting days, counting takes
3, 2, 1 I'm awake

Taking pictures of myself, self, self
Taking pictures of myself, self self
Guess I'm reaching out to be assured
All I wanted was to be adored

Now you're telling me I'm vain, vain, vain
But you don't feel my pain, pain, pain
Facing life upon the shelf, shelf, shelf
Taking pictures of myself, self, self

Taking pictures of myself [x4]

Taking pictures of myself, self, self
Taking pictures of myself, self self
Guess I'm reaching out to be assured
All I wanted was to be adored

Now you're telling me I'm vain, vain, vain
But you don't feel my pain, pain, pain
Facing life upon the shelf, shelf, shelf
Taking pictures of myself, self, self

Hey, what you looking at? [x8]

Taking pictures of myself [x4]

Pink Floyd vs Fleetwood Mac

So after researching that Syd Barret from Pink Floyd has Schizophrenia...see image below.......I learnt that my mom had personally met the man and wanted to marry him. So she explains how she was in love with him. He has since died but what a beauty he was. Just see into these eyes.

And then there was Peter Green from Fleetwood Mac too who my mom said was a great Guitarist back in the 60s to 70s. This celebrity is still alive today and once lived in Great Yarmouth just up the road from me.

My Findings on Famous People with Schyzophrenia

So I had a little cry this afternoon after retreating to my room after dinner because I struggle to do normal human things like concentrate on watching TV for long periods of time or spending relaxing time with the family in the lounge because I get paranoid and cannot sit in the company of my own loved ones from Fear of whats going on inside my head. I came to the Internet and discovered some few Famous celebrities who live with or have lived with the condition of Paranoid Schizophrenia and some people have also had Bipolar along side the condition which I cannot comprehend how difficult that could be......well then again I do because I suffer similarities . I discovered that some Famous super model had the condition and was institutionalised for 20 months before coming out of the complete recovery. I discovered another musician lived a recluse life in a quaint village somewhere in the UK for many years keeping to him self yet he still plays live gigs to this day.

Understanding the condition is a complete mystery to me and makes me wonder how difficult or strange it must be for my Family to comprehend my behaviour. I feel sometimes they may not be educated enough on the condition and that my behaviour to them sometimes cause them to be judgemental. I do not live a normal emotionally balanced life like every one else who does not have this condition so for me to live a normal life and interact with the outside world or working in a functioning society scares me and makes me ask my self will I ever be able to go out there and face my fears. To tackle this condition head on and take the bull by the horns and ride the sun set horizon remains with me with hope that this can be done.

I have read that some Famous celebrities have never recovered. Some have committed murder. Some have killed them selves and I just DO NOT want to land up in that boat.

I try to understand this condition all the time. To condition my mind to focus on the good things and to realise that this can be over come with. I do not know how to do that just yet but something else I read which was interesting is that some celebrities who were diagnosed with the condition were not famous until after they had been diagnosed. This tells me they had achieved a greater good AFTER been living with the condition for several years. It is known that most people are diagnosed between the ages of 18 - 30 years of age. I am 30 now and was diagnosed in 2002. I am wondering if I had a mild relapse in the significance of what my whole life time could have install for me. I am hoping that this is just a bump in the road and that I will be able to achieve greater good. First on my list is understanding how to cope with the every day effects and emotional fighting going on inside.

A list below with the few people discovered who have the condition has inspired me a little today and helped me for a short time to remember that I just cannot be alone........

Regardless if no one, not even my self can understand why this happens or how to control it, at least I need to keep my hopes up and remain in a positive frame of mind.

Marilyn Monroe’s Mother – It is pretty well documented that Marilyn Monroe’s mother was institutionalized for having paranoid schizophrenia. Mental illness ran in Monroe’s family and when her mother was asked about her famous daughter, she replied, “I have never heard of Marilyn Monroe.”

Michelangelo – Many historians say that Michelangelo had significant difficulties forming social relationships and his behavior was erratic. He was considered one of the most brilliant men to have ever lived. He is known for being an Italian painter, architect, engineer, and poet in the Renaissance era. Several historians hypothesize that he may have suffered from schizophrenia

Vincent van Gogh – It is well known that many creative minds are linked to schizophrenia. Most people know Vincent van Gogh for his post-Impressionist paintings and profound visual artworks. He is thought to have suffered from both schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. Some suggest that craniofacial asymmetry from birth lead to much of his mental health problems

Syd Barrett – The founding member of the band Pink Floyd is considered one of the most famous rock stars to ever develop a mental illness. Although there is some dispute as to what kind of mental illness he suffered from, his close friends and band members have identified his condition as schizophrenia. He had lived a relatively quiet life for three decades in a small cottage in England. Some hypothesize that his development of the condition was a result of high stress and significant drug abuse. He had a genetic predisposition to schizophrenia and experienced many environmental triggers – likely contributing factors for its development.

New Thoughts, New Ideas, New results

Ive had a lot on my mind lately. Stress is one of them. Not having a job and getting my health back to normal. I felt a bit home sick this afternoon after dwelling on thoughts about what it was like at my old job, but then I think to my self that there COULD possibly be something better for me here. It is difficult to hold to sometimes but I think how lucky I am to have a warm bed every night, my family close by and my mom. I think of all the different places to go and see and the different things to do every day.

I am hoping for some greener pastures and hoping for something really good to happen to me. There is a specific job I really want at Dunstan Hall but I am frightened to death that I am not confident enough to pull it off at the interview - thats if I am lucky enough to get one.

I dont feel like I fit in just yet, but then I am starting to think that I could not go back to SA. My life is here now. I really need to get my head around that ...........

There HAS to be something better for me...................

Plotting about a Saturday...

So today is an average day. Not much happening besides cleaning and chilling. Yesterday was a very encouraging day. Received a job offer on a Part time basis for a charity organisation. Waiting for the final verdict on the details and offer. Received an email enquiry from my home Services advert but they are too far for me to offer my services so I politely declined their enquiry. I also had training given on Transcript typing and audios. This helps generate a form of income while I make money in other areas. The AVON cold calling went well and I had a few takers. Will collect my orders on Monday. Will be placing the final orders on Wednesday next week.

A bit windy today with a chill in the air but its warm inside. Hayz and mom have gone to get Lunch and Kev has gone to the rubbish dump. Im looking after the kids who are watching a movie.

Hope my Day carry's on Peacefully xxxx

A Good Day

Today has been a good and productive day. Got my cold calling done with a few prospects. Will collect my orders on Monday. I quite enjoyed doing it this morning. I am a new face in the area so I had a few takers. Now know where to go back and where not to go back to. Emailed my Journo Friend this morning just to ask how he was doing because I was thinking of him. He recently lost his brother in a motor bike accident (I think...) so I thought I would just say hi.....he replied very shortly with a big explanation mark to say his working on the deadline on the edit of his book!.....as if he was irritated by my email......Oh well.......Like I said......I'll never win his heart over. Its no loss to me. He is moving to Spain end of December 2014. I have mentioned that I would go visit him but who knows if I would actually ever do something like that. I have never met him in person and he seems to have his issues some times so I don't think I would bother.

Besides this, I have yet again been job hunting but no emails today. Its the quiet holiday season so will keep my head above the water for now.

Kev took the kids on their bikes to practise and teach Faye to ride a bike. They came home and it has rained a bit. My mom is making stitched carry bags out of plastic shopping bags. She cuts them out and then irons and sows them together.

Other than that, I feel a bit lazy and will go see what I can do to keep my self busy.

I will be cooking dinner tonight, maybe chicken and hope to have my evening end well. I hope I can get proper sleep tonight. Have emailed Jane asking for more territories for AVON and I am hoping she will reply by tomorrow with some information for me. My orders get placed next week Wednesday and she has only given me 3 roads to work with. How does she honestly expect me to make a 400 pound target off 3 roads..........I feel this area is a bit too over traded and I am waiting to say this to Jane if she replies with no details.
xoxoxox

A New Day

I woke up at 5am this morning with the sun just below the horizon. Have been sitting outside already and have had my cup of coffee. No wind today and its warm with no clouds. Sun is shining nice and brightly now. Most of the house hold is still asleep but I think my sister is up getting ready for work. I shall wait for her to get ready and then I shall get my self ready for the day. Ive applied for a job at a Law Firm this morning and will be going into the village roads today to cold call my AVON brochure. I am a bit excited as it is something for me to do.

I placed an advert in the Daily press on Monday for my Home Services business and it goes in today. I am hoping I might get a call or 2 over the next week. Will have to wait and see.

Any how, hope this day brings me good tidings and that I can stay positive. Waking up this morning greated me with a feeling of depression in my gut. Trying to ignore it and will move on as best I can.

xox

The Pep Talk

So now after dinner I've been given a pep talk by my sister and mom and was told it wears a bit thin after a while when they have to do this........the pep talk........I was told that living with me before in SA is exactly the same as it is now........as to add more insult to injury. Apparently I was never a motivated person when they lived with me in SA from what was understood by their opinion in the pep talk and that I use to always dissapear into a dark room when ever there was a social party happening. Apparently I am still exactly the same. Their outlook on me is that I am a person who needs a pep talk every day......That I cannot stimulate my self to get up in the morning and wash my self or even get dressed.....since living here......I have woken up long before anyone in this house hold...had my morning bath and dressed for the day. I have kept my self busy every day since been here, job hunting, emails, AVON, working for the 2 weeks that my 1st job lasted. I have gone cold calling all on my own initiative. I signed up with AVON through the idea of my sister, but after been given the idea I got down and did it....with no help. I walk to shop every day to give my self something to do. I have been out and about on touristy excersions. I have watched and nanny'd the kids before and during the school holidays. I clean every day. I wake up and take my mom break fast in bed every morning without her having to ask me most days. I cook meals in the evenings for the last 3 weeks. And prior to that I cooked the odd occasion in the week. I vacuum the house every second day. I wash the bathrooms inside and out. I do washing and ironing and not just my own, my sisters ironing too and the kids. 

Besides all this I am trying to get out of a depression which has hit me and as discussed at this Pep talk, their daughter went through the same depression when they 1st immigrated into this country. She said she hated it and cried every night. I have only been here 2 and half months and for the 1st 20 days I was on top of the world. Its only been the last month and a half that I hit a dark hole so frankly I feel they been a little too harsh. They had money when they 1st came here. I had absolutely nothing. I had my suite case and my soul to carry. I am trying to make a life for my self and with that added pressure is on my shoulders as if the heavens have come down crashing on me. 

What ever I do is not good enough. I do not want sympathy....I do not want to be credited. I just want to be loved / appreciated and accepted with kindness and generosity. 

I gave up a life in SA to be with my mom who I needed in my life and whom I missed with every thing I had. I made a plan to get my self here all on my own with enormous consiquences and do not regret it. Its just that I may be a little handicapped in a sense that I have a silent soul destroying condition that no one I ever meet will understand.

I get sharp migraine from the side effects. I have loss of appetite , sense of smell and taste. I chain smoke. I get extremely bad anxiety and I suffer from permanent Schycosis. However in SA I managed to control that. 

It is just unfortunate that immigrating has enhanced those problems and they dont seem to have any compassion towards that. I was told, I have 3 months to make a turn around otherwise I will be put on the next plane out of here back to SA. 

If that happens...I hope my plane gets shot down like other recent findings. That way, no one would need to fork out money to pay for my funeral. They could simply have a memorial in memory of me and what a nut job I am.

I have not felt worthy of anything most of my life besides what I have achieved in certain aspects of my life. I do not feel deserving so what should any of the point be.

I understand my sister / my mom / my brother in law as well as the kids went through the same emotions and they still feel a lack of belonging after been here for 2 years already. Why am I only given 2 months and I am expected to be chipper and merely dandy with having absolutely nothing to my name but besides the name I was given at birth...........

I have made a promise to my self to not fail my self. I have promised my self to be good and kind. I have hoped for a better life and I have lived with Faith that I would carry my happiness to higher levels. No one can do that for me but ME. All I some times ask for is a nudge in the right direction with a little Love and Kindness.

Afterall, I will always Love alone, Live alone and Die alone. I cannot ever have children. I wont ever win someones heart and I will one day have to Live and die Alone. This is my future and its what GOD has planned for me..............but in a sense with my own pride, dignity and happiness. At least I have that..........

Norwich Castle Museum Today

So my day started off a bit bad with almost a melt down but my mom had to calm me down to a panic with a little shouting and then some pep talk.....again. Im sure she hates me as like everyone else. I was'nt doing so great and ended up fighting with my self in my head this morning until she sat down with me and calmed me down. She decided to take me into Norwich where we went to the Castle and toured the Museum. Had such great things to look at and read about. I now know who Nelson was and what the history is behind Bodeca (However you spell it.......)......yes I'm not so great with my spelling but I get my point across which is the important thing. I'm not the Literal type academically. I never was..............

I pity my self and hollow in doubt and uncertainty of my self , purpose and direction here. I have no sense of Familiarity and it scares the day lights out of me. I have gone into a depression and some days are better than others.

I was turned down 2 jobs today and still searching. Frightened to death of failing again and falling once again. Cant seem to shake the depression but I have to keep reminding my self its only natural. Change is a huge adjustment and if I cant remind my self, I need my family to do so. But then again, they hate that.

When its my problem, I cant really voice that because it becomes selfish and stressful to the family.

I dont want to scare the kids or push them away and I dont want my family to hate me or feel I am a burden in the house hold.

Need to keep my head above the water and keep swimming..........

Other than that....my day ended well with a bit of peace and quiet without the kids around. Their dad took them out for the day and I have cooked sheapards pie for dinner. Will go dish up now because everyone just got home.

Tomorrow is another day and I will be venturing out into near by streets to cold call my AVON........something I'm doing to try and make some extra money.

Developments ....Developments

So the quit smoking thing never happened. But I went for a follow up appointment today and will set my self a date and try again. Was given another script for a 24hr cycle nicotene patch and the nicotene mouth spray. Will set the date and make use of the products. I also got a job at Norfolk County Hall which only lasted 2 weeks because I had a mental melt down and quit. I worked in the ICT Shared Services Dpt as the Business Support Assistant. I only had 3 responsibilities. CAR forms (Computer Access Requests), Accounts Remedys and minute taking. The ergonomics of the office were horrible, the people were unhelpful and training was poor. But in 3 weeks, I have had a nervous break down, been hospitalised once, not physically but went to the A and E emergency hospital for counselling with a specialist doctor who deals with mental disorders. I have been in contact the NHS Crisis Management team for suicidal thoughts and I have been to GP appointment after GP appointment for meds after meds after meds. I am waiting to appear onto the Community management mental health system so that I can receive proper counselling. All free of charge and no cost. Have already had 2 Schychiatrists physically come to the house and consult with me to get me onto the system. I am waiting for proper treatment. It has been a very difficult time and I think the stress of moving and new jobs and all has triggered these problems. It has caused immense trauma on my family as well as my self. The trauma I am putting myself through let alone my family is very frightening and I am very scared for my health. I will never end my life because the love of my family wont let me do it. I am fighting every day and today I learnt to keep a smile on the inside and to always have a plan of action wherever I go and what ever I do. I am trying to stay positive and keep my mind busy. 

Yesterday however was a miracle in disguise. Went to St Marys Cathedral in Norwich City Centre and how beautiful that day was. I coped so well but thats because I took 3 solian tablets and 4 diazopan tablets in one go. My meds are all wrong which is why I am not recovering as quick as I am supposed to. I have also slumped into a deep depression that I am trying to get my self out of. After seeing the GP last week, my mom has taken full control of my meds and now she administers them to me which has helped level me out to a certain point this week.

I have started AVON and have a few clients so far. Have also started a Home Services business dealing with House sitting during holidays or business trips / house cleaning / and home ironing. Handed my brochures out today around the area and will hope for some calls next week.

Been cold calling on the AVON which has helped build up my self confidence and focus again.

I do however have immense amount of pressure to earn a living because I cannot live not earning a salary . My family will not allow that or be to eagerly impressed.

I am hugely disadvantiged at the moment and just wish to regain my mental strength. With Faith and GODS mercy I will get to where I need to be.

Prayers............

Off to See the Wizzard, The Wonderful Wizzard of Oz

So I took a 5 minute walk up the road to the NHS health centre today for a Quit-smoking appointment. Was told that just coming to the appointment is an achievement on its own because most people dont even go. I have been given a script for a cigarette smoke mechanism which is almost like a vapour cigarette but its not. When you suck on it, it only releases nicotene into the system and is only used when I have the urge to have a cigarette in my hands and mouth. Very clever idea. I have also been given a script for a 16hr cycle of the patch 2 week supply. I will begin my quest on Monday Morning the 7th July before I go to work and hopefully can try go the whole day without a cigarette. I will also be buying nicorette Lozingers to have up in the gum which helps surpress the nicotene craving. My quest will begin on Monday and hopefully I will try to see and achieve some successful results. Been at work during this quest will help because sitting at home gives me the urge to light up.

Good Luck Ally and lets see you do this...............

Tyrrels Wood 2 July 2014 with Mum

So me and mum went into County Council today to organize the bus route for me to get to and home from work. That is now all sorted out and I catch the 36 into Town with a 15 minute walk up the road to work. I have a quit-smoking appointment booked with the Health Centre on Thursday this week to get advice and information on how to quit the habbit. Went into Town with mom yesterday and was in complete aww about how awsome the shops are here. I have already started mentaly spending my First pay cheque before its even been received. haha. Today we went into Tyrrels wood and went for a walk through the Lush green forest. Photos herewith below. How its complete Green beauty had me in Wonder Land......

South African Farewell Party May 2014

These are some pics from the Excellent Party Hard Farewell Party I had before leaving South Africa. How spectacular this night was however I did get very very drunk. Thanks to my AWSOME besty, Vicky organised Chinese Lanterns which were lit up and sent into the night sky as remembrance of my life in SA. These guys are dearly missed every day!!!!!! xxxxxx