The Pep Talk

So now after dinner I've been given a pep talk by my sister and mom and was told it wears a bit thin after a while when they have to do this........the pep talk........I was told that living with me before in SA is exactly the same as it is now........as to add more insult to injury. Apparently I was never a motivated person when they lived with me in SA from what was understood by their opinion in the pep talk and that I use to always dissapear into a dark room when ever there was a social party happening. Apparently I am still exactly the same. Their outlook on me is that I am a person who needs a pep talk every day......That I cannot stimulate my self to get up in the morning and wash my self or even get dressed.....since living here......I have woken up long before anyone in this house hold...had my morning bath and dressed for the day. I have kept my self busy every day since been here, job hunting, emails, AVON, working for the 2 weeks that my 1st job lasted. I have gone cold calling all on my own initiative. I signed up with AVON through the idea of my sister, but after been given the idea I got down and did it....with no help. I walk to shop every day to give my self something to do. I have been out and about on touristy excersions. I have watched and nanny'd the kids before and during the school holidays. I clean every day. I wake up and take my mom break fast in bed every morning without her having to ask me most days. I cook meals in the evenings for the last 3 weeks. And prior to that I cooked the odd occasion in the week. I vacuum the house every second day. I wash the bathrooms inside and out. I do washing and ironing and not just my own, my sisters ironing too and the kids. 

Besides all this I am trying to get out of a depression which has hit me and as discussed at this Pep talk, their daughter went through the same depression when they 1st immigrated into this country. She said she hated it and cried every night. I have only been here 2 and half months and for the 1st 20 days I was on top of the world. Its only been the last month and a half that I hit a dark hole so frankly I feel they been a little too harsh. They had money when they 1st came here. I had absolutely nothing. I had my suite case and my soul to carry. I am trying to make a life for my self and with that added pressure is on my shoulders as if the heavens have come down crashing on me. 

What ever I do is not good enough. I do not want sympathy....I do not want to be credited. I just want to be loved / appreciated and accepted with kindness and generosity. 

I gave up a life in SA to be with my mom who I needed in my life and whom I missed with every thing I had. I made a plan to get my self here all on my own with enormous consiquences and do not regret it. Its just that I may be a little handicapped in a sense that I have a silent soul destroying condition that no one I ever meet will understand.

I get sharp migraine from the side effects. I have loss of appetite , sense of smell and taste. I chain smoke. I get extremely bad anxiety and I suffer from permanent Schycosis. However in SA I managed to control that. 

It is just unfortunate that immigrating has enhanced those problems and they dont seem to have any compassion towards that. I was told, I have 3 months to make a turn around otherwise I will be put on the next plane out of here back to SA. 

If that happens...I hope my plane gets shot down like other recent findings. That way, no one would need to fork out money to pay for my funeral. They could simply have a memorial in memory of me and what a nut job I am.

I have not felt worthy of anything most of my life besides what I have achieved in certain aspects of my life. I do not feel deserving so what should any of the point be.

I understand my sister / my mom / my brother in law as well as the kids went through the same emotions and they still feel a lack of belonging after been here for 2 years already. Why am I only given 2 months and I am expected to be chipper and merely dandy with having absolutely nothing to my name but besides the name I was given at birth...........

I have made a promise to my self to not fail my self. I have promised my self to be good and kind. I have hoped for a better life and I have lived with Faith that I would carry my happiness to higher levels. No one can do that for me but ME. All I some times ask for is a nudge in the right direction with a little Love and Kindness.

Afterall, I will always Love alone, Live alone and Die alone. I cannot ever have children. I wont ever win someones heart and I will one day have to Live and die Alone. This is my future and its what GOD has planned for me..............but in a sense with my own pride, dignity and happiness. At least I have that..........