I am writing this piece to remind my self about what is going to happen to me and how bad its really getting. I worked 3 days this week quitting on the 3rd day and was asked not to come back for the 4th day on a temporary contract reception assignment at an Estate Agent company. I struggled terribly to do the job and received a bad reference through the recruiter who employed me that my Line Manager had not been happy about my day 2 and 3 performance which is why they asked me not to come back on the 4th day. Thinking about all the recruiters I have been to see, it dawned on me today that the recruiter who interviewed me a few weeks back has ignored my follow up emails and queries, I am not getting feedback from the Dunston Hall recruiter and the very first recruiter who employed me at County Council does not relate to me anymore. I have bad blood with all these recruiters purely because I think the very first recruiter, Staff Call is giving out a bad reference for me and now I have another bad reference that will be put against my name by this job I did this week.
My mom and sister are sick of hearing my stories. I have created enemies at the job I did this week because I called to a women straight across from my desk to say goodbye when I was leaving and she didnt look up or acknowledge me. She just ignored me after I stood right by her desk and called her 3 times. I received very bad body language from several people going into the work place this morning and in that not only do I have work people as enemies, my family are also enemies to me.
My mother hates my guts. No one can understand that I am struggerling with an awful problem of Sphycotic thoughts and emotions and I am pleading for my life for medical help but no one will listen. I cannot understand why my medicine is not working.....
My sister said to me in the car this morning on the way to work that I would only receive serious treatment if I was found in a cubourd wrapped in a blanket mumberling to my self. What they do not understand, is this is how I really feel but Im just not doing it.
Every time I start new work, I create enemies because people can hear every second thought that runs through my mind. I am projecting my thoughts out and do not know how to stop it. Can anyone imagine how tremendously difficult that is for someone to live with and try and hold down a job with.
It was so terrifying trying to get through the week at the Estate Agent that people were hating me for having to endure hearing every insecure thought that ran through my head.
I have broken boundaries of the impossible where thoughts cannot be heard....my can.....although at the end of the story the people closest to me will not admit it. I do not know how I am going to get through this and I do not know where the road is going to take me. All I know is that I need help because I cannot help my self.
I had a dream last night that a creature like Golum from Lord of the Rings was under my bed yet this creature was about 3 times uglier then the movie character. I could see the creature clearly and it was hiding under my bed ready to create destruction.
I am frightened to death. I need to be able to hold down a job so that my family can Financially rely on me yet I cannot find the inner strength or ability to do that. I am terrified for my life and whether in the next few weeks, I will be ending myself.............................
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