Because of the mental depression and trauma I have put myself through I have no idea how I am going to be able to hold my job down. My family know they can hear every thought that runs through my head yet I get screamed at or they fight with me when I try and talk about it. I am hated with no sympathy and I am not understood. I desperately need some form of help whether its new medicine or medical treatment only problem its not happening. I cannot differentiate between an errational thought to a healthy one.
I have been told that this is my last chance to pull my self out of it because my sister now needs to rely on me after so many years that I have relied on her. I want that more than anything but they will not sympathize with me that I am sick and have a very bad problem on my hands.
My family can live with me in their presance but how do I sit in an office all day with complete strangers who do not understand. My insecurities project loud thought patterns which even strangers can hear. Even asking for a packet of tobacco at a co-op shop is difficult for me without everyone in the shop listening to my emotions and thoughts. Their body language changes when I talk and I hyperventilate with panic.
This is why I cannot sit in an office surrounded by strangers who are in my head ALL day every day, getting to the most private part of my mind and listening. Its fine with my family around because I have no other choice but to let them in. I have no where else to escape to so it becomes a safe haven.
I am so frightened. I do not know how to get better. I do not know how to fix my self to the way things were 4 months ago. I am lost and alone and scared.
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