I hate to say it but sometimes I think of a mis-understood belief that its not actually other people that can hear my thoughts, sometimes I start to try and understand and wonder that I can actually tap into their brain waves and I am actually the one who can hear other peoples thoughts. I am writing this so that I can document what happens when I have these mental episodes and maybe one day show this to my doctor that I think I really need to go see and soon. I some times seem to think that a chemical in my brain changes without warning and because the mind is so powerful I start to wonder that I am actually hearing the thoughts of individuals around me. It takes an overdose of medication and a lonely retreat to meditation to fix me and get me back on track.
I do not hear peoples thoughts all the time, only when an anxiety or insecurity attack comes over me. And I am beginning to wonder how this is why people's body language changes around me. I can see their body language change around me because I wonder whether they realise more than I do that I am actually the one intruding into their minds. I freakin hate it but then something tells me in my head that it is a gift. I still cannot accept that and I despise this problem so much. I have never met someone who has Schytzophrenia and although I would really like to join a support group, I have no transport to get me there and there is no one to take me when needed.
This is why this hasnt been done yet. I do not know how to understand this.I just want this to GO away, forever but I will live with this for rest of my life. I do not know how far I am going to get but a feeling inside made me think of something today. I am beginning to think that because I have this condition I will never be able to find a husband or get married or have children or just be normal.
I know I am taking my medication correctly. I never miss a day of medication and I am so disciplined with making sure I do not miss a tablet, but why wont it just stay under control. I can go weeks sometimes not having any issues, but people and life get involved and thats why I wonder whether I am going to iether be a spinster or a loner for the rest of my life.
Its not the fact that how can someone love me if I dont love my self. I do love my self and sometimes I am too vain about it (Is there something wrong with this?)
How do I change my life. What do I need to do get this under control. I pray to GOD every day to try and protect me from danger and I believe he does listen because he has gotten me this far.
I try my best every day to be a gentle kind and happy person. I am a happy person but I live with a problem that creates evil.It creates voodoo. I am cursed and I dont know why this was given to me. I do not blame any one but my self because I did this to my own mind. I get so scared sometimes. I get so frightened that it becomes evil.
I have only kindness to offer but people have a different perception of me. They think Im sphyco. They think I am vindictive or just nasty. I am the complete opposite of this. I am the softest human being and I just dont want this anymore. There is a part of me that I hate and do not know how to embrace my illness.
I really dont want this anymore. But I have learnt to realise that it really isant going to go away. The only thing that has kept me alive is medication.
I truthfully dont think doctors can help me which is why I will use my writing.
I miss my mother SO much and to finally get to her there are a few things I have to get sorted with my life first. I need to save money and every time I have good plans arranged, something else unexpected creaps in and changes what I had planned.
I do appreciate that I have been blessed with some luck in a few areas of my life, but there is always the fact that Schytzophrenia hants me every day and its killing me. Its a silent killer...................
I dont want my flame to burn out. I want to be better than this...........and ONLY I can do it.
By the Grace of God, please keep me under your wing. Amen.
I have a long road ahead of me.
There are people who suffer from cancer ... they get treated, it goes away and then comes back. There are people who contract alzeheimers or parkinsons and then there are people who have schizophrenia, bipolar or other forms of mental illness. You must stop knocking yourself up about how you are coping because you are coping really well. You might not think that you are, but you are. Your life is better now than it's been in a long time - you are out of a relationship that was stifling you and not good for mental health at all.
ReplyDeleteHayzel and I have a lot to speak to you about regarding living in the UK and how your life would be completely different ... you need to make this a priority, get the money saved up for your airticket. You don't need to worry about paying off debt, just get your plane ticket and a bit of spending money. You can pay off debt from within the UK and a lot faster than trying to pay it off in SA. There are a ton of advantages to you coming over here ... and don't write yourself off as far as finding a man to care for you is concerned. You have so much to offer and you are gorgeous and my girl. Have faith in yourself and your ability.
I had plans to have R23,000 saved up by December this year and trust me, that is truthfully when I was going to get on a plane and go to the UK. However with David now been forced to move, they have put nasty pressure on me to save money for their deposit and for moving costs. This has yet again delayed all my plans for savings. So I am yet again, set back by 4 months of savings because it is going straight to David and Mags. I will be honest with you Carrot > The UK has many perks but I truthfully think the whether will make me very misreble and something that frightens me to death is learning to work in a foreign country. Learning to adapt how the work or corporate sector function is most likely completely different to SA.The currency is different, the logistics of work ethic are different. Policies and procedures are different and I am frightened I will fail at adapting to that. You also said to me that if I came over, I would have to make a sure plan to find my own place. That means I need to save 6 months of rent before even considering the savings for my airticket? What happens if I cannot find work when I get there? You will yet again be burdened on financially supporting me. I am not going to allow that again. Organising my medication is also another big scenario. I may sound a bit negative now but I dont think I would not never come. It is at the back of my mind and when I have made plans for my self, I WILL come. I just cant come now. You would only push me to get there as quickly as possible because of emotional reasons. I cannot be expected to be looked after you guys again. Its not as easy as just buying a ticket and arriving on your door step. It took you guys 3 years to plan what you did. I need to do this on my own and right now is not the time. As emotionally painful as it is missing me and me missing you, I cannot come now for a long time.
ReplyDeleteBoys do not fase me iether. I am not concerned really about what boyfreind is ganna appreciate me. Ive learnt to build my bridge and I am fine the way I am now. I agree with what you said, that I am doing better now than I have for a long time and I want to keep climbing before I get on that plane and say goodbye to SA. When you are here, we will discuss this further.
xxxxx