So work this week has been insanely busy. But I enjoy it and most of it is quite nice to do. Will be attending a property seminar / function in 2 weeks and it reminds me of the days when I use to do seminars for IIA. I will be attending to the register and ensuring the Guest list is logged properly. Also have to organise the set up and catering for the event so I hope it all runs smoothly. Least to say I have to make about 100 property portfolio brochures for all the Brokers who are all coming. That will be time consuming.
Other than that, Its my Internet buddys little baby's birthday today. Mia turns 1 today and has posted a picture of her on his phone. Shes such a cute little thing. I have his Greenday look-a-like photo saved to my phone page because everytime I look at my phone and see him, it really gives me a warm feeling.
My other internet freind , Michael messaged me last night to say he is working on his book. I thought it was his novel but its another book he is working on. I asked him why he said he liked me the other day and enjoys having me as a freind (so far) > until any romance accures with wishful thinking lol, but he replied to me last night and he said "Well, you're unstoppably cheerful despite circumstances, which shows strength of character"
I was so flattered that he said this and it really put a smile on my face. I am glad he can pick up pieces of my personality just by sms.
So having said that - change of subject - On saturday I have a morning spa treatment booked with all our lady freinds at a place called Octavia in Emporars palace. I have booked to have a full body exfoliation and when they have exfoliated, I will climb into a sauna shower to wash it off and then go back for a full body moistorise rub down. I am also having a half leg wax and I am having a Gel nail manicure. There will be lunch served with free Juice and coffees. This place is apparently top notch and only thr best go there (hehe), they have hot pools, sauna's , all sorts. There are about Five of us girls going to gether. Just cannot Wait.
David and Mags leave for Durban tomorrow morning for Amy's wedding. They will only come back on Sunday evening so I will be home alone for the weekend. Might pop round to Andrew on Sunday.
Any how, thats it for now, got to get the morning started with work cause there is lots to do.
The new me
Tyrrels Wood
Thursday 30 January 2014
Sunday 26 January 2014
I hate to say it.........
I hate to say it but sometimes I think of a mis-understood belief that its not actually other people that can hear my thoughts, sometimes I start to try and understand and wonder that I can actually tap into their brain waves and I am actually the one who can hear other peoples thoughts. I am writing this so that I can document what happens when I have these mental episodes and maybe one day show this to my doctor that I think I really need to go see and soon. I some times seem to think that a chemical in my brain changes without warning and because the mind is so powerful I start to wonder that I am actually hearing the thoughts of individuals around me. It takes an overdose of medication and a lonely retreat to meditation to fix me and get me back on track.
I do not hear peoples thoughts all the time, only when an anxiety or insecurity attack comes over me. And I am beginning to wonder how this is why people's body language changes around me. I can see their body language change around me because I wonder whether they realise more than I do that I am actually the one intruding into their minds. I freakin hate it but then something tells me in my head that it is a gift. I still cannot accept that and I despise this problem so much. I have never met someone who has Schytzophrenia and although I would really like to join a support group, I have no transport to get me there and there is no one to take me when needed.
This is why this hasnt been done yet. I do not know how to understand this.I just want this to GO away, forever but I will live with this for rest of my life. I do not know how far I am going to get but a feeling inside made me think of something today. I am beginning to think that because I have this condition I will never be able to find a husband or get married or have children or just be normal.
I know I am taking my medication correctly. I never miss a day of medication and I am so disciplined with making sure I do not miss a tablet, but why wont it just stay under control. I can go weeks sometimes not having any issues, but people and life get involved and thats why I wonder whether I am going to iether be a spinster or a loner for the rest of my life.
Its not the fact that how can someone love me if I dont love my self. I do love my self and sometimes I am too vain about it (Is there something wrong with this?)
How do I change my life. What do I need to do get this under control. I pray to GOD every day to try and protect me from danger and I believe he does listen because he has gotten me this far.
I try my best every day to be a gentle kind and happy person. I am a happy person but I live with a problem that creates evil.It creates voodoo. I am cursed and I dont know why this was given to me. I do not blame any one but my self because I did this to my own mind. I get so scared sometimes. I get so frightened that it becomes evil.
I have only kindness to offer but people have a different perception of me. They think Im sphyco. They think I am vindictive or just nasty. I am the complete opposite of this. I am the softest human being and I just dont want this anymore. There is a part of me that I hate and do not know how to embrace my illness.
I really dont want this anymore. But I have learnt to realise that it really isant going to go away. The only thing that has kept me alive is medication.
I truthfully dont think doctors can help me which is why I will use my writing.
I miss my mother SO much and to finally get to her there are a few things I have to get sorted with my life first. I need to save money and every time I have good plans arranged, something else unexpected creaps in and changes what I had planned.
I do appreciate that I have been blessed with some luck in a few areas of my life, but there is always the fact that Schytzophrenia hants me every day and its killing me. Its a silent killer...................
I dont want my flame to burn out. I want to be better than this...........and ONLY I can do it.
By the Grace of God, please keep me under your wing. Amen.
I have a long road ahead of me.
I do not hear peoples thoughts all the time, only when an anxiety or insecurity attack comes over me. And I am beginning to wonder how this is why people's body language changes around me. I can see their body language change around me because I wonder whether they realise more than I do that I am actually the one intruding into their minds. I freakin hate it but then something tells me in my head that it is a gift. I still cannot accept that and I despise this problem so much. I have never met someone who has Schytzophrenia and although I would really like to join a support group, I have no transport to get me there and there is no one to take me when needed.
This is why this hasnt been done yet. I do not know how to understand this.I just want this to GO away, forever but I will live with this for rest of my life. I do not know how far I am going to get but a feeling inside made me think of something today. I am beginning to think that because I have this condition I will never be able to find a husband or get married or have children or just be normal.
I know I am taking my medication correctly. I never miss a day of medication and I am so disciplined with making sure I do not miss a tablet, but why wont it just stay under control. I can go weeks sometimes not having any issues, but people and life get involved and thats why I wonder whether I am going to iether be a spinster or a loner for the rest of my life.
Its not the fact that how can someone love me if I dont love my self. I do love my self and sometimes I am too vain about it (Is there something wrong with this?)
How do I change my life. What do I need to do get this under control. I pray to GOD every day to try and protect me from danger and I believe he does listen because he has gotten me this far.
I try my best every day to be a gentle kind and happy person. I am a happy person but I live with a problem that creates evil.It creates voodoo. I am cursed and I dont know why this was given to me. I do not blame any one but my self because I did this to my own mind. I get so scared sometimes. I get so frightened that it becomes evil.
I have only kindness to offer but people have a different perception of me. They think Im sphyco. They think I am vindictive or just nasty. I am the complete opposite of this. I am the softest human being and I just dont want this anymore. There is a part of me that I hate and do not know how to embrace my illness.
I really dont want this anymore. But I have learnt to realise that it really isant going to go away. The only thing that has kept me alive is medication.
I truthfully dont think doctors can help me which is why I will use my writing.
I miss my mother SO much and to finally get to her there are a few things I have to get sorted with my life first. I need to save money and every time I have good plans arranged, something else unexpected creaps in and changes what I had planned.
I do appreciate that I have been blessed with some luck in a few areas of my life, but there is always the fact that Schytzophrenia hants me every day and its killing me. Its a silent killer...................
I dont want my flame to burn out. I want to be better than this...........and ONLY I can do it.
By the Grace of God, please keep me under your wing. Amen.
I have a long road ahead of me.
The Pros and cons of Schytzophrenia
This message may come across a bit depressing but I need to get this stuff off my chest and because I have very little people to talk to about my problems I am going to plow my depression into my writing.
So this morning, after waking up in a good mood at my brothers house after a kiddies Party yesterday, I was getting ready to get taken home and asked him if he would would pop past the chemist for me to get my tablets because I had none and I was starting to feeling a bit edgy. He just blew up at me and attacked me for been an inconvenience enough that he has to drive me home and now that he was most upset that he had to drive me to the chemist. i was so shocked by his mood swing that I asked why he was been such a dick and he just exploded at me.
I struggle every day about what I have to live with and I try not to harp on it but it affects me in ways that I cannot control. Andrew just does not understand my condition and he has told me before that he believes I am faking it to create attention. He will not have compassion to how difficult this is and in a way he hates me for who I am. It hurts. I am not sure if he was under stress this morning because he had work to do, but what reason does it give to take it out on me.
He makes me feel like a useless piece of shit that is a complete failure in life. I do not have my mom or sister around to help me when I need it and with a simple request to drive past the chemist is such a mission for him that he makes me feel suicidal.
I do not understand this condition my self and I try to figure out the pieces each day of my life. My mom and my sister are the only compassionate ones in my life that seem to put effort in to try and under stand what goes on in my head.
I cannot explain enough about how difficult it is to deal with this condition and I would not wish this on my worst enemy.
I just wish my brother would try and learn to have a little more understanding of me. It hurts terribly.
So this morning, after waking up in a good mood at my brothers house after a kiddies Party yesterday, I was getting ready to get taken home and asked him if he would would pop past the chemist for me to get my tablets because I had none and I was starting to feeling a bit edgy. He just blew up at me and attacked me for been an inconvenience enough that he has to drive me home and now that he was most upset that he had to drive me to the chemist. i was so shocked by his mood swing that I asked why he was been such a dick and he just exploded at me.
I struggle every day about what I have to live with and I try not to harp on it but it affects me in ways that I cannot control. Andrew just does not understand my condition and he has told me before that he believes I am faking it to create attention. He will not have compassion to how difficult this is and in a way he hates me for who I am. It hurts. I am not sure if he was under stress this morning because he had work to do, but what reason does it give to take it out on me.
He makes me feel like a useless piece of shit that is a complete failure in life. I do not have my mom or sister around to help me when I need it and with a simple request to drive past the chemist is such a mission for him that he makes me feel suicidal.
I do not understand this condition my self and I try to figure out the pieces each day of my life. My mom and my sister are the only compassionate ones in my life that seem to put effort in to try and under stand what goes on in my head.
I cannot explain enough about how difficult it is to deal with this condition and I would not wish this on my worst enemy.
I just wish my brother would try and learn to have a little more understanding of me. It hurts terribly.
Tuesday 7 January 2014
Boys, Boys , Boys and More Boys
Ok so what now? what is a girl to do with all this falling at her feet...........
My Accountant Freind is too kind - super hot - perfect in every way - however he is never available for human interaction.....one on one human interaction. His job consumes him too much and he is too busy. He is gentle with me and there has never been an awkward moment between us.
The Investigative Journalist however is..... - OK now he is just something else - best way I can describe him is WOW!!!!!!! He is the ultimate beauty of all beauties. He is however playing hard to get and is also never available. He intimidates me too much but I am just freakin overly infactuated with this man...........I freakin dont know what to do with my self. He doesnt say much which makes it worse cause I just cannot get into this persons head. He describes his intelligence as Rocket Scientist and yes he litrelly is.
He wont budge to suggest a date with me and he is on a way higher level than me..................How will I survive!!!!!
Then there is the Cape Town super Model......he is not talking to me at the moment cause apparently I broke his heart................yes.....I am as surprised as you???? wtf!!!! He was perfect to start off with but then he just got nasty............I still tend to think of him from time to time.
Then there is another more less attractive but softer Capetonian that wants to marry me and have my kids. LOL.......................Say no more ally...........
then there is some slut that just wants to jump my bones and get dirty with me..............He seems like a Nymphomaniac crazy person that seems to have a vindictive side to him. Im still trying to figure out if this is correct..................However I am hoping he will just fall off the bus and dissapear because he is a bit crazy for me.
I want the Accountant but I want to marry the Journalist............................What am I ganna do with my self?
Why cant I stick to one thing at a time........what is wrong with me and how do I fix it.
Am I deprived?
Am I depressed?
Am I an idiot?
My Accountant Freind is too kind - super hot - perfect in every way - however he is never available for human interaction.....one on one human interaction. His job consumes him too much and he is too busy. He is gentle with me and there has never been an awkward moment between us.
The Investigative Journalist however is..... - OK now he is just something else - best way I can describe him is WOW!!!!!!! He is the ultimate beauty of all beauties. He is however playing hard to get and is also never available. He intimidates me too much but I am just freakin overly infactuated with this man...........I freakin dont know what to do with my self. He doesnt say much which makes it worse cause I just cannot get into this persons head. He describes his intelligence as Rocket Scientist and yes he litrelly is.
He wont budge to suggest a date with me and he is on a way higher level than me..................How will I survive!!!!!
Then there is the Cape Town super Model......he is not talking to me at the moment cause apparently I broke his heart................yes.....I am as surprised as you???? wtf!!!! He was perfect to start off with but then he just got nasty............I still tend to think of him from time to time.
Then there is another more less attractive but softer Capetonian that wants to marry me and have my kids. LOL.......................Say no more ally...........
then there is some slut that just wants to jump my bones and get dirty with me..............He seems like a Nymphomaniac crazy person that seems to have a vindictive side to him. Im still trying to figure out if this is correct..................However I am hoping he will just fall off the bus and dissapear because he is a bit crazy for me.
I want the Accountant but I want to marry the Journalist............................What am I ganna do with my self?
Why cant I stick to one thing at a time........what is wrong with me and how do I fix it.
Am I deprived?
Am I depressed?
Am I an idiot?
Friday 3 January 2014
The new year has arrived - 2014 here we come!!!!!
Okay so.............Christmas was a jolly festive time and a very joyful occassion with my brothers and their wives. We all enjoyed it and I loved every minute of it. New Years Eve was incredible and an awsome party indeed with my Best freind who I havent spent a new years with for the last 5 or 6 years. It was very special indeed.
My family from the UK arrive in February and boy oh boy is that going to be Great!!! Cannot wait to see my mom, sister, brother in law , neice and nephew. First time the family will all be together for over a year now. Super excited!!!!
Hayzel's birthday end of January so party party party when they arrive.
On the romance side of things.......some particular individual has sparked my interest.....but actually I got his first which is how I found him.....well he found me and started talking to me. He seems super stoaked by me and I might just plan a trip to go see him. He stays in Cape Town and is one of the most incredible persons that I have been inspired by for a long time.
He is super hot too, but lets not be materialistic shall we ally. :)
He says the perfect things at the perfect moments and it gets right into my gut............However I wont allow my self to fall inlove. (Not for now that is....)
Remember Ally.... (Level head)
Any how, thats all for now.
xxxxxxxxxxx
My family from the UK arrive in February and boy oh boy is that going to be Great!!! Cannot wait to see my mom, sister, brother in law , neice and nephew. First time the family will all be together for over a year now. Super excited!!!!
Hayzel's birthday end of January so party party party when they arrive.
On the romance side of things.......some particular individual has sparked my interest.....but actually I got his first which is how I found him.....well he found me and started talking to me. He seems super stoaked by me and I might just plan a trip to go see him. He stays in Cape Town and is one of the most incredible persons that I have been inspired by for a long time.
He is super hot too, but lets not be materialistic shall we ally. :)
He says the perfect things at the perfect moments and it gets right into my gut............However I wont allow my self to fall inlove. (Not for now that is....)
Remember Ally.... (Level head)
Any how, thats all for now.
xxxxxxxxxxx
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