Something new

Something new has popped up into my life......I have befreinded a person through business at work. The conversations have been quite detailed and personal but yet safe and honest. However he is married. I do not know what he looks like because I have been speaking to him over the phone and he has told me a lot about him self. He is 40yrs old and lived in the UK for 10 years before moving back to SA. He plays instruments and runs about 5 -10km every day. He also does rock climbing every Sunday and has a brilliant taste in music. His favourate is Tom Waits. He tries to avoid talking about his wife but he has told me how they married and how their relationship started. He keeps our freindship very casual and does not cross any boundaries but he has asked that he hopes one day we can have a drink together. He has told me so much and he seems to think I am fascinating. He must be intrigued by me because he keeps initiating conversation and he keeps emailing and phoning me.

I hope this just does' nt turn bad. I just want new freinds.

What consumes me today......

Jealousy consumes me today....I cant shake it.........I am not a jealous person. I dont get jealous easily but today I am just jealous. I am not comfortable with my body and looking at other people I know who have good bodies makes me jealous cause I dont have what they've got. If I had the body I had 5 years ago....I wouldnt have insecurity issues. Id be able to wear a costume comfortably and I could strut a walk with that body that would make men blush. Particulaly the man that Im suppose to love. Because I dont have a skinny body, it doesnt turn him on like a skinny girl would. I dont have that affect on him........

Summer is coming and I cant wear a costume cause I just look horrible. I will be going to a holiday resort for my 30th birthday and there is a pool there. Other girls (my freinds) have been invited and Ive got to figure out how I am going to avoid been shy or jealous cause theres also men who are going to be there. I was excited about my birthday yesterday but today I am just not looking forward to it.

I cant do Gym at work cause I only finish work at 5pm and cant get a lift home after gymming. Not sure how to excersize at home with out professional guidence and so that I dont injure my self and most importantly so that the excersize I am doing is making a difference. I do not over eat and my diet is relatively good. I eat a healthy lunch every day but It just doesnt help.



.........hopefully tomorrow I dont feel as depressed as I do right now....................

What keeps popping up on the back of my mind

While Ive been potting around at home just listening to my mp4 player, thoughts start to pop up in my head about what freinds I have and what will I do when my best freind is no longer around. I dont have many freinds and the 2 freinds that I do have ,(one is always too busy to see me) and the other one is leaving the country soon. My best freind is at work right now and one thing I can say is that he is constantly on my mind. It really worries me about what I am going to do and how lonely I am going to be when he leaves. He relaxes me when I am around him and I feel I could get stranded on an Island with him forever and it would be the best thing ever. I love having alone time with him. He comforts me. I am going to miss our conversations. I am going to miss his freindship. There is no other person like him. and I will NEVER meet anyone like him again. I dont want him to leave and it frightens me to death........