Golas / Trials and Tribulations

I will try and write as much as I can now from what has been going through my head today but I am pretty sure I wont manage to get my full point across and as clear as possible but I am going to think really hard about this and reflect on what exactly happened tonight with family / freinds and life in general.

I really didnt have a good evening after having another fight with David and yet again been miss-understood from the clear perspective I try to put across to people. People just DO NOT get me and no one is prepared to listen. Listening is all I really want because at the end of the day I have my own answers, I just want added opinions. It is very difficult to get certain issues across without offending people and making it sound selfish. I am the MOST unselfish person Ive learnt to ever understand about my self yet my family most importantly seem to think that I am a drama queen and something I really realise is certain people seem to think I am selfish and an attention seeker.

My day started off pretty well and work ended well with alot of productivity accomplished for preperation of me going on leave for so long. However after the episode this evening, I am slightly getting the feeling  whether I should have rather just not taken leave and kept going to work.

OKAY > so the obvious reasons about why leave was taken was to be with my family who are here visiting from the UK. However after much thought tonight I am so off the idea of even bothering. Specifically not towards my mother or my sister but because of other problems that I need to figure out how I am going to get through and sort out.

After having a very ugly fight with my brother for bad attitude that was unneccersarily communicated to me by, Basically ruined my whole mind set and because of so much misunderstood opinions and anger that spawned with inside me, I basically had a complete mental silent melt down.

I went into serious panic mode and paranoid depression that I had no option but to force 7 anxiety tablets down my throwt. One thing I can say, is that by the grace of karma it has neutralised me but with having to reface my family tomorrow after them witnessing my voodoo mental behaviour has kinda been the reason I am not really in the mood to go back and socialize again.As sad as it sounds having to force my self back into their company, is really to only see my mother and sister before they leave again and goes home to the Uk for another 2 years before I would be lucky enough to see them again

I basically sat outside at Andrews house in the dark and the cold wind tonight fighting with voices in my head. Paranoid Schytzophrenia completely consumed me tonight and sometimes it is a debatable thought whether I am fighting with my own voices, or voices of the people/family around me or even worse, some kind of unliving spiritual being that is there with me in spirit (just dont know whos spirit exactly?). The best way I would try to explain it is that it is a full 2 way conversation going on in my head that has an emotional connection to my thought patterns and my mind and body in general. It sufficates my soul. I feel so exposed when episodes like this happens and it just cannot be stopped or controlled unless I seriously overdose on a schedule 5 drug to try and neutralise me or calm me down. It took some time and who ever reads this whether you are a complete stranger living on the other side of the world that I have no connection with what so ever, needs to really understand that having this problem is the worse curse anyone could have ever been burdened with.

Each day goes by that I don' t ask my self how on earth have I gotten this far and what in heavenly guidance has made me live this long. Trying to cope with this condition that can be so evil sometimes, that it almost creates voodoo. I fight back at the voodoo because I know deep down inside I am one of GODS children and I will not live my life in vain or decete or denial. I am true to my self, its just others do not understand me.

Perhaps others are so frightened by what is really perceived that no one will admit to me that they can understand the voodoo too or they at least realize that not only are they inside my head, a portal opens and my body and soul connects with their emotions and brain waves too that I am also inside their heads and I can feel every emotion or thought that goes through the minds of everyone around me. How on earth can anyone live with this. I must really be the strongest person on this planet if I am just generally ignoring how serious this is and just going to bed each night sleeping the anxiety off or away.

No one can make this go away. Some days its not there, but some days its so bad that anyone I know would have killed them selves a long time ago. I dont really think that Doctors could even help me. Medical Scientists wouldnt be able to make this go away (but it is something I must come to terms with because there are people with Cancer or AIDS that cant be cured either)

I have learnt to realize that I just need to keep fighting. With every last breath or strength in my soul......I just need to keep fighting.

Mom ? If you ever read this............Because you are the only one who knows about my blog........as my mother.............I would take your words of wisdom or opinion strongly. David says at the end of the day no one really cares.........I am left with this last thought of the day..........That we are all really in life ALL alone. For infinite eternity............we only have our selves and the Holy Ghost.......what ever that may be?

The next few days

So Mom and the family arrive for a visit from the UK next week Monday. So cannot wait. It is going to be a very busy 2 weeks and it is going to be so great to see them all. The last time I saw my mommy was in 2012. Its going to be so weird but so nice. I hope their stay here will be nice for them and I really hope they have a splended time.

There is a possibility I could have a date tomorrow night with a chap I have been speaking to for about 3 months. I have never mentioned him before because we dont speak that often but we have recently started opening up to each other. I havent been quite sure about him since the beginning but he really wants to be my freind so I am not going to be shallow and will give my self the chance to give him a chance to prove him self. As they always say, you can never judge a character over the internet so I need to give this a try and see if there is any chemistry. I will only drink coffee and keep a mature clear mind about the whole thing.

I will handle it well I am sure.

Work is quite busy at the moment but I am concentrating well and getting a lot done. I have a deadline for certain things but I am working productively. Only had 4 smoke breaks today and sometimes I wish I could keep it like that every day before I get into trouble. 

Any how, will take it easy tonight and try relax now for the evening.

Hope I do have a good week.

Strength to me Ally. you can do it !!!!!

Happening Happening - GO GO GO

So work this week has been insanely busy. But I enjoy it and most of it is quite nice to do. Will be attending a property seminar / function in 2 weeks and it reminds me of the days when I use to do seminars for IIA. I will be attending to the register and ensuring the Guest list is logged properly. Also have to organise the set up and catering for the event so I hope it all runs smoothly. Least to say I have to make about 100 property portfolio brochures for all the Brokers who are all coming. That will be time consuming.

Other than that, Its my Internet buddys little baby's birthday today. Mia turns 1 today and has posted a picture of her on his phone. Shes such a cute little thing. I have his Greenday look-a-like photo saved to my phone page because everytime I look at my phone and see him, it really gives me a warm feeling.

My other internet freind , Michael messaged me last night to say he is working on his book. I thought it was his novel but its another book he is working on. I asked him why he said he liked me the other day and enjoys having me as a freind (so far) > until any romance accures with wishful thinking lol, but he replied to me last night and he said  "Well, you're unstoppably cheerful despite circumstances, which shows strength of character"

I was so flattered that he said this and it really put a smile on my face. I am glad he can pick up pieces of my personality just by sms.

So having said that - change of subject - On saturday I have a morning spa treatment booked with all our lady freinds at a place called Octavia in Emporars palace. I have booked to have a full body exfoliation and when they have exfoliated, I will climb into a sauna shower to wash it off and then go back for a full body moistorise rub down. I am also having a half leg wax and I am having a Gel nail manicure. There will be lunch served with free Juice and coffees. This place is apparently top notch and only thr best go there (hehe), they have hot pools, sauna's , all sorts. There are about Five of us girls going to gether. Just cannot Wait.

David and Mags leave for Durban tomorrow morning for Amy's wedding. They will only come back on Sunday evening so I will be home alone for the weekend. Might pop round to Andrew on Sunday.

Any how, thats it for now, got to get the morning started with work cause there is lots to do.

I hate to say it.........

I hate to say it but sometimes I think of a mis-understood belief that its not actually other people that can hear my thoughts, sometimes I start to try and understand and wonder that I can actually tap into their brain waves and I am actually the one who can hear other peoples thoughts. I am writing this  so that I can document what happens when I have these mental episodes and maybe one day show this to my doctor that I think I really need to go see and soon.  I some times seem to think that a chemical in my brain changes without warning and because the mind is so powerful I start to wonder that I am actually hearing the thoughts of individuals around me. It takes an overdose of medication and a lonely retreat to meditation to fix me and get me back on track.

 I do not hear peoples thoughts all the time, only when an anxiety or insecurity attack comes over me. And I am beginning to wonder how this is why people's body language changes around me. I can see their body language change around me because I wonder whether they realise more than I do that I am actually the one intruding into their minds. I freakin hate it but then something tells me in my head that it is a gift. I still cannot accept that and I despise this problem so much. I have never met someone who has Schytzophrenia and although I would really like to join a support group, I have no transport to get me there and there is no one to take me when needed.

This is why this hasnt been done yet. I do not know how to understand this.I just want this to GO away, forever but I will live with this for rest of my life. I do not know how far I am going to get but a feeling inside made me think of something today. I am beginning to think that because I have this condition I will never be able to find a husband or get married or have children or just be normal.

I know I am taking my medication correctly. I never miss a day of medication and I am so disciplined with making sure I do not miss a tablet,  but why wont it just stay under control. I can go weeks sometimes not having any issues, but people and life get involved and thats why I wonder whether I am going to iether be a spinster or a loner for the rest of my life.

Its not the fact that how can someone love me if I dont love my self. I do love my self and sometimes I am too vain about it (Is there something wrong with this?)

How do I change my life. What do I need to do get this under control. I pray to GOD every day to try and protect me from danger and I believe he does listen because he has gotten me this far.

I try my best every day to be a gentle kind and happy person. I am a happy person but I live with a problem that creates evil.It creates voodoo. I am cursed and I dont know why this was given to me. I do not blame any one but my self because I did this to my own mind. I get so scared sometimes. I get so frightened that it becomes evil.

I have only kindness to offer but people have a different perception of me. They think Im sphyco. They think I am vindictive or just nasty. I am the complete opposite of this. I am the softest human being and I just dont want this anymore. There is a part of me that I hate and do not know how to embrace my illness.

I really dont want this anymore. But I have learnt to realise that it really isant going to go away. The only thing that has kept me alive is medication.

I truthfully dont think doctors can help me which is why I will use my writing.
I miss my mother SO much and to finally get to her there are a few things I have to get sorted with my life first. I need to save money and every time I have good plans arranged, something else unexpected creaps in and changes what I had planned.

I do appreciate that I have been blessed with some luck in a few areas of my life, but there is always the fact that Schytzophrenia hants me every day and its killing me. Its a silent killer...................

I dont want my flame to burn out. I want to be better than this...........and ONLY I can do it.

By the Grace of God, please keep me under your wing. Amen.

I have a long road ahead of me.

The Pros and cons of Schytzophrenia

This message may come across a bit depressing but I need to get this stuff off my chest and because I have very little people to talk to about my problems I am going to plow my depression into my writing.

So this morning, after waking up in a good mood at my brothers house after a kiddies Party yesterday, I was getting ready to get taken home and asked him if he would would pop past the chemist for me to get my tablets because I had none and I was starting to feeling a bit edgy. He just blew up at me and attacked me for been an inconvenience enough that he has to drive me home and now that he was most upset that he had to drive me to the chemist. i was so shocked by his mood swing that I asked why he was been such a dick and he just exploded at me.

I struggle every day about what I have to live with and I try not to harp on it but it affects me in ways that I cannot control. Andrew just does not understand my condition and he has told me before that he believes I am faking it to create attention. He will not have compassion to how difficult this is and in a way he hates me for who I am. It hurts. I am not sure if he was under stress this morning because he had work to do, but what reason does it give to take it out on me.

He makes me feel like a useless piece of shit that is a complete failure in life. I do not have my mom or sister around to help me when I need it and with a simple request to drive past the chemist is such a mission for him that he makes me feel suicidal.

I do not understand this condition my self and I try to figure out the pieces each day of my life. My mom and my sister are the only compassionate ones in my life that seem to put effort in to try and under stand what goes on in my head.

I cannot explain enough about how difficult it is to deal with this condition and I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

I just wish my brother would try and learn to have a little more understanding of me. It hurts terribly.

Boys, Boys , Boys and More Boys

Ok so what now? what is a girl to do with all this falling at her feet...........

My Accountant Freind is too kind - super hot - perfect in every way - however he is never available for human interaction.....one on one human interaction. His job consumes him too much and he is too busy. He is gentle with me and there has never been an awkward moment between us.

The Investigative Journalist however is..... - OK now he is just something else - best way I can describe him is WOW!!!!!!! He is the ultimate beauty of all beauties. He is however playing hard to get and is also never available. He intimidates me too much but I am just freakin overly infactuated with this man...........I freakin dont know what to do with my self. He doesnt say much which makes it worse cause I just cannot get into this persons head. He describes his intelligence as Rocket Scientist and yes he litrelly is.

He wont budge to suggest a date with me and he is on a way higher level than me..................How will I survive!!!!!

Then there is the Cape Town super Model......he is not talking to me at the moment cause apparently I broke his heart................yes.....I am as surprised as you???? wtf!!!! He was perfect to start off with but then he just got nasty............I still tend to think of him from time to time.

Then there is another more less attractive but softer Capetonian that wants to marry me and have my kids. LOL.......................Say no more ally...........

then there is some slut that just wants to jump my bones and get dirty with me..............He seems like a Nymphomaniac crazy person that seems to have a vindictive side to him. Im still trying to figure out if this is correct..................However I am hoping he will just fall off the bus and dissapear because he is a bit crazy for me.

I want the Accountant but I want to marry the Journalist............................What am I ganna do with my self?

Why cant I stick to one thing at a time........what is wrong with me and how do I fix it.

Am I deprived?
Am I depressed?
Am I an idiot?

The new year has arrived - 2014 here we come!!!!!

Okay so.............Christmas was a jolly festive time and a very joyful occassion with my brothers and their wives. We all enjoyed it and I loved every minute of it. New Years Eve was incredible and an awsome party indeed with my Best freind who I havent spent a new years with for the last 5 or 6 years. It was very special indeed.

My family from the UK arrive in February and boy oh boy is that going to be Great!!! Cannot wait to see my mom, sister, brother in law , neice and nephew. First time the family will all be together for over a year now. Super excited!!!!

Hayzel's birthday end of January so party party party when they arrive.

On the romance side of things.......some particular individual has sparked my interest.....but actually I got his first which is how I found him.....well he found me and started talking to me. He seems super stoaked by me and I might just plan a trip to go see him. He stays in Cape Town and is one of the most incredible persons that I have been inspired by for a long time.

He is super hot too, but lets not be materialistic shall we ally. :)

He says the perfect things at the perfect moments and it gets right into my gut............However I wont allow my self to fall inlove. (Not for now that is....)

Remember Ally.... (Level head)

Any how, thats all for now.

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