I will try and write as much as I can now from what has been going through my head today but I am pretty sure I wont manage to get my full point across and as clear as possible but I am going to think really hard about this and reflect on what exactly happened tonight with family / freinds and life in general.
I really didnt have a good evening after having another fight with David and yet again been miss-understood from the clear perspective I try to put across to people. People just DO NOT get me and no one is prepared to listen. Listening is all I really want because at the end of the day I have my own answers, I just want added opinions. It is very difficult to get certain issues across without offending people and making it sound selfish. I am the MOST unselfish person Ive learnt to ever understand about my self yet my family most importantly seem to think that I am a drama queen and something I really realise is certain people seem to think I am selfish and an attention seeker.
My day started off pretty well and work ended well with alot of productivity accomplished for preperation of me going on leave for so long. However after the episode this evening, I am slightly getting the feeling whether I should have rather just not taken leave and kept going to work.
OKAY > so the obvious reasons about why leave was taken was to be with my family who are here visiting from the UK. However after much thought tonight I am so off the idea of even bothering. Specifically not towards my mother or my sister but because of other problems that I need to figure out how I am going to get through and sort out.
After having a very ugly fight with my brother for bad attitude that was unneccersarily communicated to me by, Basically ruined my whole mind set and because of so much misunderstood opinions and anger that spawned with inside me, I basically had a complete mental silent melt down.
I went into serious panic mode and paranoid depression that I had no option but to force 7 anxiety tablets down my throwt. One thing I can say, is that by the grace of karma it has neutralised me but with having to reface my family tomorrow after them witnessing my voodoo mental behaviour has kinda been the reason I am not really in the mood to go back and socialize again.As sad as it sounds having to force my self back into their company, is really to only see my mother and sister before they leave again and goes home to the Uk for another 2 years before I would be lucky enough to see them again
I basically sat outside at Andrews house in the dark and the cold wind tonight fighting with voices in my head. Paranoid Schytzophrenia completely consumed me tonight and sometimes it is a debatable thought whether I am fighting with my own voices, or voices of the people/family around me or even worse, some kind of unliving spiritual being that is there with me in spirit (just dont know whos spirit exactly?). The best way I would try to explain it is that it is a full 2 way conversation going on in my head that has an emotional connection to my thought patterns and my mind and body in general. It sufficates my soul. I feel so exposed when episodes like this happens and it just cannot be stopped or controlled unless I seriously overdose on a schedule 5 drug to try and neutralise me or calm me down. It took some time and who ever reads this whether you are a complete stranger living on the other side of the world that I have no connection with what so ever, needs to really understand that having this problem is the worse curse anyone could have ever been burdened with.
Each day goes by that I don' t ask my self how on earth have I gotten this far and what in heavenly guidance has made me live this long. Trying to cope with this condition that can be so evil sometimes, that it almost creates voodoo. I fight back at the voodoo because I know deep down inside I am one of GODS children and I will not live my life in vain or decete or denial. I am true to my self, its just others do not understand me.
Perhaps others are so frightened by what is really perceived that no one will admit to me that they can understand the voodoo too or they at least realize that not only are they inside my head, a portal opens and my body and soul connects with their emotions and brain waves too that I am also inside their heads and I can feel every emotion or thought that goes through the minds of everyone around me. How on earth can anyone live with this. I must really be the strongest person on this planet if I am just generally ignoring how serious this is and just going to bed each night sleeping the anxiety off or away.
No one can make this go away. Some days its not there, but some days its so bad that anyone I know would have killed them selves a long time ago. I dont really think that Doctors could even help me. Medical Scientists wouldnt be able to make this go away (but it is something I must come to terms with because there are people with Cancer or AIDS that cant be cured either)
I have learnt to realize that I just need to keep fighting. With every last breath or strength in my soul......I just need to keep fighting.
Mom ? If you ever read this............Because you are the only one who knows about my blog........as my mother.............I would take your words of wisdom or opinion strongly. David says at the end of the day no one really cares.........I am left with this last thought of the day..........That we are all really in life ALL alone. For infinite eternity............we only have our selves and the Holy Ghost.......what ever that may be?
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