Is this a Midlife Crisis.............

Sitting in my room again thinking how to change my life....where to go from here......how to pick up the pieces...........I am thinking whether I have hit a midlife crisis? I have emotional turmoil going on inside and I just cannot find a balance.
I have since quit and walked out the Long Stratton Care Home job. I took a sibatical which I couldn't afford and since receiving a new job offer in Norwich ironically with my old Manager at Hethersett, I will find my self working again. I start on Tuesday the 5th May. I will be working night shifts so by the prayers of God I am praying that I will be able to cope and carry on making a living for my self.

Plans are to look for a place to stay in Norwich with my friend Chloe and we will start looking for an apartment at the end of May.

I have since recovered the fight I had with my mom but the damage is done......there is bitterness underneath the carpet there. She just got back from a holiday in Norway and it really shows that she enjoyed her self and had a good rest.

I have since been on a date with a new guy. His name is Dan and he is leaving for Africa in 3 weeks on a tour. He is going for 3 months so I wont ever see him again. I am not going to invest much energy into that as he is not a permanent commitment .
There is another guy called Lyall who is my tail and I think I have made a massive mistake keeping in touch with him because he has fallen for me and I do not feel the same way. I have met him and he is just not my cup of tea. I would'nt know how to tell him the truth.
Then there is still Matt whom I think about ALL the time. He has told me he is not looking for any relationship right now which is why I haven't been on any more dates with him. But he still talks to me when I message him and he is still polite to me.
Then there is Ashley who is beautiful but he is also not interested in any relationships.

This is why I ask myself if I have stepped into a midlife crisis because I have all these men who are emotionally confusing me and that I just cannot make any progress with. They all still talk to me and are so kind to me but yet they dont want to develop any feelings for me, except for Lyall.........

I find my self asking why I just do not have the X-factor to hold a mans interest. To get him to like me for who I am and what I have to offer. I ask my self why I am not suitable enough for them and why I am not pretty enough. What is the hidden secret. what on earth do I have to do to find love. To find companionship. To find a friend.

I miss my friend Vicky of which was her 31st birthday yesterday.

Thinking about all these people confuses me and its just too much. I am hoping after I start working next week, that things will start looking better. I have decided that I am ultimately going to make it a passionate goal to earn and save as much money as possible so that I can go BACK to South Africa. I do not want to be here anymore but its probably going to take me about 3 years to get to a financial stage where I am able to comfortably go back home where my heart is.

I do not like British people. I do not like the culture. I do not like the life style. I have landed my self in an emotional black hole again and I am just hoping to God, that because I am ALL ALONE, that I can pull my self out of this and recover.

I definitely need to rethink my life and pull the finger out and get going. xxxxxxxx

Welcome to my hell

So to pick up where I left off from, I have since resigned from Hethersett and started care work at a new care home in Long Stratton close to home. I amnot enjoying it because the staff are bossy and the residents are difficult and nasty. Makes me miss working at Hethersett and makes me wish I was back there. But because I have no transport to get to Hethersett anymore, I had to seek new work and luckerly I managed to get offered new work at the care home in Long Stratton. It is a 20 minute walk and I am trying to slowly settle in. Not sure when I will start enjoying the new environment and if my days will get any better.

I have had another fight with my mom today and I after a nasty email she sent me a few weeks ago attacking every ounce of character in me I have decided to not bother anymore. I am done and I have told her this. There is no mutual respect and I am constantly spoken to like a 15 year old. I do not get spoken to the same way as she speaks to my sister and she doesnt look at me like a friend. I am a burden to her or a piece of shit and I dont know why. I dont know what Ive done to be underminded and spoken to like a slave. I have no freindship with her and there is just one big personality clash. We just dont get on.

I have since my last post on my blog had a date with the Scientist. Ive had a couple actually and he still speaks to me. Im not sure when I will see him again but we are both taking things slow with each other. He is really nice and I seem to have a good understanding with him. I am still trying to learn more about him but Im sure that will come with time. He lives in Diss and his name is Matt. 

Any way, today is a depressing day for me so I am not going to write alot. I just thought I would update my blog and get things off my chest. Who knows when things will get better between me and my mom........

Life has turned over a new leaf

Its been quite a while since I last wrote anything but things are looking good for me for a change. I have made a full recovery from my relapse. My mom is writing a book about it and I have given her some resource to refer to with her research into writing the book about what has happened to me since arriving in the UK and my life prior to that. I am quite proud of my self for the accomplishments that I have achieved since last year November. I was offered a job in November as a Care Assistant for a residential care home and since starting my new found career on the 17th November, I seemed to have just shot for the stars. I was made permanent this month and made my probation by a month early purely because of my determination and will to be happy.

My new career is hard work but it is different and good in so many ways. I am giving back now where I couldn't before. This is exactly what my sister wanted for me and it is something that I have bitten the bullet for and done for my self. It is a very rewarding career but can be emotionally and physically exhausting. This is good for me though because I need to be kept on my toes at all times and something that is busy for me and helps make my days fly by. 
I work 12 hour shifts 4 days a week with days off in between and this allows me to enjoy other areas of my life. I am slowly making friends at work and enjoying my time at my new company. My employers and work colleagues are good to me. My hard work is paying off as well as I am starting to make good money.

My goals for 2015 are to book for my provisional drivers license in January and get that done by the middle of the year. I am also working towards saving for my own apartment by May 2015. If this goes well, I am also saving for a car in hopes that I will finally get my drivers license.

There is no romance in my life because I am too busy for that, but I will admit that I have developed over whelming feelings towards a cyber friend that I met online and I really enjoy hearing from him. He is a Scientist who creates cures for deseases and has a Post-Doctorate degree. He looks like James Bond " Daniel Craig" and has the personality to suite this description. It is exceptionally difficult to read into his emotions and hopefully one day he will grace me with the priviledge of having a drink with him. He is however currently in a relationship with another women but he messages me from time to time keeping things very simple. I am jealous in a way because if I had'nt fallen out on a potential date I was suppose to have with him last year, he would be dating me right now instead of someone else. I blame my self for that and can only hope that a romance shall spawn. I have been talking to him for 3 months now and if this continues, I can only hope for a good friendship with him.

I have found my happy place now Ally so you can be proud of what you have achieved setterling in the UK and making this your new home. Well Done!

Saint Motel - Ace in the whole  - "Shes got style, shes got grace......."