Sitting in my room again thinking how to change my life....where to go from here......how to pick up the pieces...........I am thinking whether I have hit a midlife crisis? I have emotional turmoil going on inside and I just cannot find a balance.
I have since quit and walked out the Long Stratton Care Home job. I took a sibatical which I couldn't afford and since receiving a new job offer in Norwich ironically with my old Manager at Hethersett, I will find my self working again. I start on Tuesday the 5th May. I will be working night shifts so by the prayers of God I am praying that I will be able to cope and carry on making a living for my self.
Plans are to look for a place to stay in Norwich with my friend Chloe and we will start looking for an apartment at the end of May.
I have since recovered the fight I had with my mom but the damage is done......there is bitterness underneath the carpet there. She just got back from a holiday in Norway and it really shows that she enjoyed her self and had a good rest.
I have since been on a date with a new guy. His name is Dan and he is leaving for Africa in 3 weeks on a tour. He is going for 3 months so I wont ever see him again. I am not going to invest much energy into that as he is not a permanent commitment .
There is another guy called Lyall who is my tail and I think I have made a massive mistake keeping in touch with him because he has fallen for me and I do not feel the same way. I have met him and he is just not my cup of tea. I would'nt know how to tell him the truth.
Then there is still Matt whom I think about ALL the time. He has told me he is not looking for any relationship right now which is why I haven't been on any more dates with him. But he still talks to me when I message him and he is still polite to me.
Then there is Ashley who is beautiful but he is also not interested in any relationships.
This is why I ask myself if I have stepped into a midlife crisis because I have all these men who are emotionally confusing me and that I just cannot make any progress with. They all still talk to me and are so kind to me but yet they dont want to develop any feelings for me, except for Lyall.........
I find my self asking why I just do not have the X-factor to hold a mans interest. To get him to like me for who I am and what I have to offer. I ask my self why I am not suitable enough for them and why I am not pretty enough. What is the hidden secret. what on earth do I have to do to find love. To find companionship. To find a friend.
I miss my friend Vicky of which was her 31st birthday yesterday.
Thinking about all these people confuses me and its just too much. I am hoping after I start working next week, that things will start looking better. I have decided that I am ultimately going to make it a passionate goal to earn and save as much money as possible so that I can go BACK to South Africa. I do not want to be here anymore but its probably going to take me about 3 years to get to a financial stage where I am able to comfortably go back home where my heart is.
I do not like British people. I do not like the culture. I do not like the life style. I have landed my self in an emotional black hole again and I am just hoping to God, that because I am ALL ALONE, that I can pull my self out of this and recover.
I definitely need to rethink my life and pull the finger out and get going. xxxxxxxx
It's only natural that you would still miss your friends and the lifestyle back in South Africa. You need to remember that you have basically 'lost' six months Ally. Your relapse has put you back six months. Despite that you are getting out there and making friends, you are slowly starting to get to know people - give it time. You will see when you've been here a couple of years that life here is much better for you - you can always go to SA for a holiday (like your Uncle is doing for dirt cheap) but you don't have to live there. Life, for you, in SA would be vastly different and hard. Once you have started earning some money, have your own place and made more friends, you should look at going to Europe for a holiday - maybe go over to Hungary and spend sometime with Uncle Stephen, they would love to have you and they are major party people. Anyway, life is not always about partying.
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