I am trying to let go

Because of the mental depression and trauma I have put myself through I have no idea how I am going to be able to hold my job down. My family know they can hear every thought that runs through my head yet I get screamed at or they fight with me when I try and talk about it. I am hated with no sympathy and I am not understood. I desperately need some form of help whether its new medicine or medical treatment only problem its not happening. I cannot differentiate between an errational thought to a healthy one.

I have been told that this is my last chance to pull my self out of it because my sister now needs to rely on me after so many years that I have relied on her. I want that more than anything but they will not sympathize with me that I am sick and have a very bad problem on my hands.

My family can live with me in their presance but how do I sit in an office all day with complete strangers who do not understand. My insecurities project loud thought patterns which even strangers can hear. Even asking for a packet of tobacco at a co-op shop is difficult for me without everyone in the shop listening to my emotions and thoughts. Their body language changes when I talk and I hyperventilate with panic.

This is why I cannot sit in an office surrounded by strangers who are in my head ALL day every day, getting to the most private part of my mind and listening. Its fine with my family around because I have no other choice but to let them in. I have no where else to escape to so it becomes a safe haven.

I am so frightened. I do not know how to get better. I do not know how to fix my self to the way things were 4 months ago. I am lost and alone and scared.

Its all Bad happenings from here

I am writing this piece to remind my self about what is going to happen to me and how bad its really getting. I worked 3 days this week quitting on the 3rd day and was asked not to come back for the 4th day on a temporary contract reception assignment at an Estate Agent company. I struggled terribly to do the job and received a bad reference through the recruiter who employed me that my Line Manager had not been happy about my day 2 and 3 performance which is why they asked me not to come back on the 4th day. Thinking about all the recruiters I have been to see, it dawned on me today that the recruiter who interviewed me a few weeks back has ignored my follow up emails and queries, I am not getting feedback from the Dunston Hall recruiter and the very first recruiter who employed me at County Council does not relate to me anymore. I have bad blood with all these recruiters purely because I think the very first recruiter, Staff Call is giving out a bad reference for me and now I have another bad reference that will be put against my name by this job I did this week.

My mom and sister are sick of hearing my stories. I have created enemies at the job I did this week because I called to a women straight across from my desk to say goodbye when I was leaving and she didnt look up or acknowledge me. She just ignored me after I stood right by her desk and called her 3 times. I received very bad body language from several people going into the work place this morning and in that not only do I have work people as enemies, my family are also enemies to me.

My mother hates my guts. No one can understand that I am struggerling with an awful problem of Sphycotic thoughts and emotions and I am pleading for my life for medical help but no one will listen. I cannot understand why my medicine is not working.....

My sister said to me in the car this morning on the way to work that I would only receive serious treatment if I was found in a cubourd wrapped in a blanket mumberling to my self. What they do not understand, is this is how I really feel but Im just not doing it.

Every time I start new work, I create enemies because people can hear every second thought that runs through my mind. I am projecting my thoughts out and do not know how to stop it. Can anyone imagine how tremendously difficult that is for someone to live with and try and hold down a job with.

It was so terrifying trying to get through the week at the Estate Agent that people were hating me for having to endure hearing every insecure thought that ran through my head.

I have broken boundaries of the impossible where thoughts cannot be heard....my can.....although at the end of the story the people closest to me will not admit it. I do not know how I am going to get through this and I do not know where the road is going to take me. All I know is that I need help because I cannot help my self.

I had a dream last night that a creature like Golum from Lord of the Rings was under my bed yet this creature was about 3 times uglier then the movie character. I could see the creature clearly and it was hiding under my bed ready to create destruction.

I am frightened to death. I need to be able to hold down a job so that my family can Financially rely on me yet I cannot find the inner strength or ability to do that. I am terrified for my life and whether in the next few weeks, I will be ending myself.............................

Taking Pictures of myself self self........

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fXh8B4yWVKk

Sitting in my bedroom tonight
Thinking of how to change your mind
Since you walked out my life again
Yeah,
So I strike a pose and tilt my chin and hold the light to suit my skin
Your favorite t-shirt on again

Counting hours, counting lies
3, 2, 1 and I smile

Taking pictures of myself, self, self
Taking pictures of myself, self self
Guess I'm reaching out to be assured
All I wanted was to be adored

Now you're telling me I'm vain, vain, vain
But you don't feel my pain, pain, pain
Facing life upon the shelf, shelf, shelf
Taking pictures of myself, self, self

Taking pictures of myself [x4]

I'll post it up in black and white
With a depressing quote on my life
So that you see what I'm going through
Yeah,
This is desperation at it's best
A conversation to be left
But all my pride was burned by you

Counting days, counting takes
3, 2, 1 I'm awake

Taking pictures of myself, self, self
Taking pictures of myself, self self
Guess I'm reaching out to be assured
All I wanted was to be adored

Now you're telling me I'm vain, vain, vain
But you don't feel my pain, pain, pain
Facing life upon the shelf, shelf, shelf
Taking pictures of myself, self, self

Taking pictures of myself [x4]

Taking pictures of myself, self, self
Taking pictures of myself, self self
Guess I'm reaching out to be assured
All I wanted was to be adored

Now you're telling me I'm vain, vain, vain
But you don't feel my pain, pain, pain
Facing life upon the shelf, shelf, shelf
Taking pictures of myself, self, self

Hey, what you looking at? [x8]

Taking pictures of myself [x4]

Pink Floyd vs Fleetwood Mac

So after researching that Syd Barret from Pink Floyd has Schizophrenia...see image below.......I learnt that my mom had personally met the man and wanted to marry him. So she explains how she was in love with him. He has since died but what a beauty he was. Just see into these eyes.

And then there was Peter Green from Fleetwood Mac too who my mom said was a great Guitarist back in the 60s to 70s. This celebrity is still alive today and once lived in Great Yarmouth just up the road from me.