Im inlove with my GOD

Please stay a little longer with me today because I love you, my God and don't need to love much more. Loving you helps me love whats important to me and helps me forget about what is not relevant or neccessary. For example Dating and Falling in love with men who cannot give me what my Life can give me or my Family and Friends.

Stick to my number one rule Ally, you are here to make friends and if along the road you get picked up by a romance, don't let it consume you or distract you from your work , your life and your Family.

Today is my day to remember that I am loved and I don't need to go looking for it.

Stick to your guns Ally and dont get your self into trouble.

Love your GOD and he will help you Love your self.

xxxxxxx

Phone call to the Nurse this morning and Mums birthday

I called Daniel this morning. She was driving but had me on hands free. I began to ask her that when I was diagnosed in 2002 I was literally found in a cupboard. I haven't been found in a cupboard this time but the effects and symptoms feel the same. I began to explain to her that I feel I have broken boundaries and created the impossible where people can hear my thoughts. She gave me encouraging news that perhaps my brain is receiving too much or too little of a specific chemical which alters my perception of reality and almost tells my body what is happening is not really happening. She suggested she would speak to the Psychiatrist to perhaps prescribe a different drug that is going to alter that perception or phobia of mine so that I can work towards my goal of holding down a job. She sounded encouraged that I have aspirations and goals I would like to achieve and at least that is something that would guide me in the right direction.

I just want to be normal. Confident and self doubt free. I have concluded there is light at the end of the tunnel.

On a positive note > It is my moms birthday today. I got up at 5am and took her breakfast in bed at 6am with roses from the garden and Bayles and Harding bath gift set that I bought her. She seemed very pleased with all the gifts this morning from the family and so far I'm sure she is having a lovely morning.

Happy Birthday to you Mom. I love you!!!!!

I am trying to let go

Because of the mental depression and trauma I have put myself through I have no idea how I am going to be able to hold my job down. My family know they can hear every thought that runs through my head yet I get screamed at or they fight with me when I try and talk about it. I am hated with no sympathy and I am not understood. I desperately need some form of help whether its new medicine or medical treatment only problem its not happening. I cannot differentiate between an errational thought to a healthy one.

I have been told that this is my last chance to pull my self out of it because my sister now needs to rely on me after so many years that I have relied on her. I want that more than anything but they will not sympathize with me that I am sick and have a very bad problem on my hands.

My family can live with me in their presance but how do I sit in an office all day with complete strangers who do not understand. My insecurities project loud thought patterns which even strangers can hear. Even asking for a packet of tobacco at a co-op shop is difficult for me without everyone in the shop listening to my emotions and thoughts. Their body language changes when I talk and I hyperventilate with panic.

This is why I cannot sit in an office surrounded by strangers who are in my head ALL day every day, getting to the most private part of my mind and listening. Its fine with my family around because I have no other choice but to let them in. I have no where else to escape to so it becomes a safe haven.

I am so frightened. I do not know how to get better. I do not know how to fix my self to the way things were 4 months ago. I am lost and alone and scared.

Its all Bad happenings from here

I am writing this piece to remind my self about what is going to happen to me and how bad its really getting. I worked 3 days this week quitting on the 3rd day and was asked not to come back for the 4th day on a temporary contract reception assignment at an Estate Agent company. I struggled terribly to do the job and received a bad reference through the recruiter who employed me that my Line Manager had not been happy about my day 2 and 3 performance which is why they asked me not to come back on the 4th day. Thinking about all the recruiters I have been to see, it dawned on me today that the recruiter who interviewed me a few weeks back has ignored my follow up emails and queries, I am not getting feedback from the Dunston Hall recruiter and the very first recruiter who employed me at County Council does not relate to me anymore. I have bad blood with all these recruiters purely because I think the very first recruiter, Staff Call is giving out a bad reference for me and now I have another bad reference that will be put against my name by this job I did this week.

My mom and sister are sick of hearing my stories. I have created enemies at the job I did this week because I called to a women straight across from my desk to say goodbye when I was leaving and she didnt look up or acknowledge me. She just ignored me after I stood right by her desk and called her 3 times. I received very bad body language from several people going into the work place this morning and in that not only do I have work people as enemies, my family are also enemies to me.

My mother hates my guts. No one can understand that I am struggerling with an awful problem of Sphycotic thoughts and emotions and I am pleading for my life for medical help but no one will listen. I cannot understand why my medicine is not working.....

My sister said to me in the car this morning on the way to work that I would only receive serious treatment if I was found in a cubourd wrapped in a blanket mumberling to my self. What they do not understand, is this is how I really feel but Im just not doing it.

Every time I start new work, I create enemies because people can hear every second thought that runs through my mind. I am projecting my thoughts out and do not know how to stop it. Can anyone imagine how tremendously difficult that is for someone to live with and try and hold down a job with.

It was so terrifying trying to get through the week at the Estate Agent that people were hating me for having to endure hearing every insecure thought that ran through my head.

I have broken boundaries of the impossible where thoughts cannot be heard....my can.....although at the end of the story the people closest to me will not admit it. I do not know how I am going to get through this and I do not know where the road is going to take me. All I know is that I need help because I cannot help my self.

I had a dream last night that a creature like Golum from Lord of the Rings was under my bed yet this creature was about 3 times uglier then the movie character. I could see the creature clearly and it was hiding under my bed ready to create destruction.

I am frightened to death. I need to be able to hold down a job so that my family can Financially rely on me yet I cannot find the inner strength or ability to do that. I am terrified for my life and whether in the next few weeks, I will be ending myself.............................

Taking Pictures of myself self self........

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fXh8B4yWVKk

Sitting in my bedroom tonight
Thinking of how to change your mind
Since you walked out my life again
Yeah,
So I strike a pose and tilt my chin and hold the light to suit my skin
Your favorite t-shirt on again

Counting hours, counting lies
3, 2, 1 and I smile

Taking pictures of myself, self, self
Taking pictures of myself, self self
Guess I'm reaching out to be assured
All I wanted was to be adored

Now you're telling me I'm vain, vain, vain
But you don't feel my pain, pain, pain
Facing life upon the shelf, shelf, shelf
Taking pictures of myself, self, self

Taking pictures of myself [x4]

I'll post it up in black and white
With a depressing quote on my life
So that you see what I'm going through
Yeah,
This is desperation at it's best
A conversation to be left
But all my pride was burned by you

Counting days, counting takes
3, 2, 1 I'm awake

Taking pictures of myself, self, self
Taking pictures of myself, self self
Guess I'm reaching out to be assured
All I wanted was to be adored

Now you're telling me I'm vain, vain, vain
But you don't feel my pain, pain, pain
Facing life upon the shelf, shelf, shelf
Taking pictures of myself, self, self

Taking pictures of myself [x4]

Taking pictures of myself, self, self
Taking pictures of myself, self self
Guess I'm reaching out to be assured
All I wanted was to be adored

Now you're telling me I'm vain, vain, vain
But you don't feel my pain, pain, pain
Facing life upon the shelf, shelf, shelf
Taking pictures of myself, self, self

Hey, what you looking at? [x8]

Taking pictures of myself [x4]

Pink Floyd vs Fleetwood Mac

So after researching that Syd Barret from Pink Floyd has Schizophrenia...see image below.......I learnt that my mom had personally met the man and wanted to marry him. So she explains how she was in love with him. He has since died but what a beauty he was. Just see into these eyes.

And then there was Peter Green from Fleetwood Mac too who my mom said was a great Guitarist back in the 60s to 70s. This celebrity is still alive today and once lived in Great Yarmouth just up the road from me.

My Findings on Famous People with Schyzophrenia

So I had a little cry this afternoon after retreating to my room after dinner because I struggle to do normal human things like concentrate on watching TV for long periods of time or spending relaxing time with the family in the lounge because I get paranoid and cannot sit in the company of my own loved ones from Fear of whats going on inside my head. I came to the Internet and discovered some few Famous celebrities who live with or have lived with the condition of Paranoid Schizophrenia and some people have also had Bipolar along side the condition which I cannot comprehend how difficult that could be......well then again I do because I suffer similarities . I discovered that some Famous super model had the condition and was institutionalised for 20 months before coming out of the complete recovery. I discovered another musician lived a recluse life in a quaint village somewhere in the UK for many years keeping to him self yet he still plays live gigs to this day.

Understanding the condition is a complete mystery to me and makes me wonder how difficult or strange it must be for my Family to comprehend my behaviour. I feel sometimes they may not be educated enough on the condition and that my behaviour to them sometimes cause them to be judgemental. I do not live a normal emotionally balanced life like every one else who does not have this condition so for me to live a normal life and interact with the outside world or working in a functioning society scares me and makes me ask my self will I ever be able to go out there and face my fears. To tackle this condition head on and take the bull by the horns and ride the sun set horizon remains with me with hope that this can be done.

I have read that some Famous celebrities have never recovered. Some have committed murder. Some have killed them selves and I just DO NOT want to land up in that boat.

I try to understand this condition all the time. To condition my mind to focus on the good things and to realise that this can be over come with. I do not know how to do that just yet but something else I read which was interesting is that some celebrities who were diagnosed with the condition were not famous until after they had been diagnosed. This tells me they had achieved a greater good AFTER been living with the condition for several years. It is known that most people are diagnosed between the ages of 18 - 30 years of age. I am 30 now and was diagnosed in 2002. I am wondering if I had a mild relapse in the significance of what my whole life time could have install for me. I am hoping that this is just a bump in the road and that I will be able to achieve greater good. First on my list is understanding how to cope with the every day effects and emotional fighting going on inside.

A list below with the few people discovered who have the condition has inspired me a little today and helped me for a short time to remember that I just cannot be alone........

Regardless if no one, not even my self can understand why this happens or how to control it, at least I need to keep my hopes up and remain in a positive frame of mind.

Marilyn Monroe’s Mother – It is pretty well documented that Marilyn Monroe’s mother was institutionalized for having paranoid schizophrenia. Mental illness ran in Monroe’s family and when her mother was asked about her famous daughter, she replied, “I have never heard of Marilyn Monroe.”

Michelangelo – Many historians say that Michelangelo had significant difficulties forming social relationships and his behavior was erratic. He was considered one of the most brilliant men to have ever lived. He is known for being an Italian painter, architect, engineer, and poet in the Renaissance era. Several historians hypothesize that he may have suffered from schizophrenia

Vincent van Gogh – It is well known that many creative minds are linked to schizophrenia. Most people know Vincent van Gogh for his post-Impressionist paintings and profound visual artworks. He is thought to have suffered from both schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. Some suggest that craniofacial asymmetry from birth lead to much of his mental health problems

Syd Barrett – The founding member of the band Pink Floyd is considered one of the most famous rock stars to ever develop a mental illness. Although there is some dispute as to what kind of mental illness he suffered from, his close friends and band members have identified his condition as schizophrenia. He had lived a relatively quiet life for three decades in a small cottage in England. Some hypothesize that his development of the condition was a result of high stress and significant drug abuse. He had a genetic predisposition to schizophrenia and experienced many environmental triggers – likely contributing factors for its development.