Is this a Midlife Crisis.............

Sitting in my room again thinking how to change my life....where to go from here......how to pick up the pieces...........I am thinking whether I have hit a midlife crisis? I have emotional turmoil going on inside and I just cannot find a balance.
I have since quit and walked out the Long Stratton Care Home job. I took a sibatical which I couldn't afford and since receiving a new job offer in Norwich ironically with my old Manager at Hethersett, I will find my self working again. I start on Tuesday the 5th May. I will be working night shifts so by the prayers of God I am praying that I will be able to cope and carry on making a living for my self.

Plans are to look for a place to stay in Norwich with my friend Chloe and we will start looking for an apartment at the end of May.

I have since recovered the fight I had with my mom but the damage is done......there is bitterness underneath the carpet there. She just got back from a holiday in Norway and it really shows that she enjoyed her self and had a good rest.

I have since been on a date with a new guy. His name is Dan and he is leaving for Africa in 3 weeks on a tour. He is going for 3 months so I wont ever see him again. I am not going to invest much energy into that as he is not a permanent commitment .
There is another guy called Lyall who is my tail and I think I have made a massive mistake keeping in touch with him because he has fallen for me and I do not feel the same way. I have met him and he is just not my cup of tea. I would'nt know how to tell him the truth.
Then there is still Matt whom I think about ALL the time. He has told me he is not looking for any relationship right now which is why I haven't been on any more dates with him. But he still talks to me when I message him and he is still polite to me.
Then there is Ashley who is beautiful but he is also not interested in any relationships.

This is why I ask myself if I have stepped into a midlife crisis because I have all these men who are emotionally confusing me and that I just cannot make any progress with. They all still talk to me and are so kind to me but yet they dont want to develop any feelings for me, except for Lyall.........

I find my self asking why I just do not have the X-factor to hold a mans interest. To get him to like me for who I am and what I have to offer. I ask my self why I am not suitable enough for them and why I am not pretty enough. What is the hidden secret. what on earth do I have to do to find love. To find companionship. To find a friend.

I miss my friend Vicky of which was her 31st birthday yesterday.

Thinking about all these people confuses me and its just too much. I am hoping after I start working next week, that things will start looking better. I have decided that I am ultimately going to make it a passionate goal to earn and save as much money as possible so that I can go BACK to South Africa. I do not want to be here anymore but its probably going to take me about 3 years to get to a financial stage where I am able to comfortably go back home where my heart is.

I do not like British people. I do not like the culture. I do not like the life style. I have landed my self in an emotional black hole again and I am just hoping to God, that because I am ALL ALONE, that I can pull my self out of this and recover.

I definitely need to rethink my life and pull the finger out and get going. xxxxxxxx

Welcome to my hell

So to pick up where I left off from, I have since resigned from Hethersett and started care work at a new care home in Long Stratton close to home. I amnot enjoying it because the staff are bossy and the residents are difficult and nasty. Makes me miss working at Hethersett and makes me wish I was back there. But because I have no transport to get to Hethersett anymore, I had to seek new work and luckerly I managed to get offered new work at the care home in Long Stratton. It is a 20 minute walk and I am trying to slowly settle in. Not sure when I will start enjoying the new environment and if my days will get any better.

I have had another fight with my mom today and I after a nasty email she sent me a few weeks ago attacking every ounce of character in me I have decided to not bother anymore. I am done and I have told her this. There is no mutual respect and I am constantly spoken to like a 15 year old. I do not get spoken to the same way as she speaks to my sister and she doesnt look at me like a friend. I am a burden to her or a piece of shit and I dont know why. I dont know what Ive done to be underminded and spoken to like a slave. I have no freindship with her and there is just one big personality clash. We just dont get on.

I have since my last post on my blog had a date with the Scientist. Ive had a couple actually and he still speaks to me. Im not sure when I will see him again but we are both taking things slow with each other. He is really nice and I seem to have a good understanding with him. I am still trying to learn more about him but Im sure that will come with time. He lives in Diss and his name is Matt. 

Any way, today is a depressing day for me so I am not going to write alot. I just thought I would update my blog and get things off my chest. Who knows when things will get better between me and my mom........

Life has turned over a new leaf

Its been quite a while since I last wrote anything but things are looking good for me for a change. I have made a full recovery from my relapse. My mom is writing a book about it and I have given her some resource to refer to with her research into writing the book about what has happened to me since arriving in the UK and my life prior to that. I am quite proud of my self for the accomplishments that I have achieved since last year November. I was offered a job in November as a Care Assistant for a residential care home and since starting my new found career on the 17th November, I seemed to have just shot for the stars. I was made permanent this month and made my probation by a month early purely because of my determination and will to be happy.

My new career is hard work but it is different and good in so many ways. I am giving back now where I couldn't before. This is exactly what my sister wanted for me and it is something that I have bitten the bullet for and done for my self. It is a very rewarding career but can be emotionally and physically exhausting. This is good for me though because I need to be kept on my toes at all times and something that is busy for me and helps make my days fly by. 
I work 12 hour shifts 4 days a week with days off in between and this allows me to enjoy other areas of my life. I am slowly making friends at work and enjoying my time at my new company. My employers and work colleagues are good to me. My hard work is paying off as well as I am starting to make good money.

My goals for 2015 are to book for my provisional drivers license in January and get that done by the middle of the year. I am also working towards saving for my own apartment by May 2015. If this goes well, I am also saving for a car in hopes that I will finally get my drivers license.

There is no romance in my life because I am too busy for that, but I will admit that I have developed over whelming feelings towards a cyber friend that I met online and I really enjoy hearing from him. He is a Scientist who creates cures for deseases and has a Post-Doctorate degree. He looks like James Bond " Daniel Craig" and has the personality to suite this description. It is exceptionally difficult to read into his emotions and hopefully one day he will grace me with the priviledge of having a drink with him. He is however currently in a relationship with another women but he messages me from time to time keeping things very simple. I am jealous in a way because if I had'nt fallen out on a potential date I was suppose to have with him last year, he would be dating me right now instead of someone else. I blame my self for that and can only hope that a romance shall spawn. I have been talking to him for 3 months now and if this continues, I can only hope for a good friendship with him.

I have found my happy place now Ally so you can be proud of what you have achieved setterling in the UK and making this your new home. Well Done!

Saint Motel - Ace in the whole  - "Shes got style, shes got grace......."

Im inlove with my GOD

Please stay a little longer with me today because I love you, my God and don't need to love much more. Loving you helps me love whats important to me and helps me forget about what is not relevant or neccessary. For example Dating and Falling in love with men who cannot give me what my Life can give me or my Family and Friends.

Stick to my number one rule Ally, you are here to make friends and if along the road you get picked up by a romance, don't let it consume you or distract you from your work , your life and your Family.

Today is my day to remember that I am loved and I don't need to go looking for it.

Stick to your guns Ally and dont get your self into trouble.

Love your GOD and he will help you Love your self.

xxxxxxx

Phone call to the Nurse this morning and Mums birthday

I called Daniel this morning. She was driving but had me on hands free. I began to ask her that when I was diagnosed in 2002 I was literally found in a cupboard. I haven't been found in a cupboard this time but the effects and symptoms feel the same. I began to explain to her that I feel I have broken boundaries and created the impossible where people can hear my thoughts. She gave me encouraging news that perhaps my brain is receiving too much or too little of a specific chemical which alters my perception of reality and almost tells my body what is happening is not really happening. She suggested she would speak to the Psychiatrist to perhaps prescribe a different drug that is going to alter that perception or phobia of mine so that I can work towards my goal of holding down a job. She sounded encouraged that I have aspirations and goals I would like to achieve and at least that is something that would guide me in the right direction.

I just want to be normal. Confident and self doubt free. I have concluded there is light at the end of the tunnel.

On a positive note > It is my moms birthday today. I got up at 5am and took her breakfast in bed at 6am with roses from the garden and Bayles and Harding bath gift set that I bought her. She seemed very pleased with all the gifts this morning from the family and so far I'm sure she is having a lovely morning.

Happy Birthday to you Mom. I love you!!!!!

I am trying to let go

Because of the mental depression and trauma I have put myself through I have no idea how I am going to be able to hold my job down. My family know they can hear every thought that runs through my head yet I get screamed at or they fight with me when I try and talk about it. I am hated with no sympathy and I am not understood. I desperately need some form of help whether its new medicine or medical treatment only problem its not happening. I cannot differentiate between an errational thought to a healthy one.

I have been told that this is my last chance to pull my self out of it because my sister now needs to rely on me after so many years that I have relied on her. I want that more than anything but they will not sympathize with me that I am sick and have a very bad problem on my hands.

My family can live with me in their presance but how do I sit in an office all day with complete strangers who do not understand. My insecurities project loud thought patterns which even strangers can hear. Even asking for a packet of tobacco at a co-op shop is difficult for me without everyone in the shop listening to my emotions and thoughts. Their body language changes when I talk and I hyperventilate with panic.

This is why I cannot sit in an office surrounded by strangers who are in my head ALL day every day, getting to the most private part of my mind and listening. Its fine with my family around because I have no other choice but to let them in. I have no where else to escape to so it becomes a safe haven.

I am so frightened. I do not know how to get better. I do not know how to fix my self to the way things were 4 months ago. I am lost and alone and scared.

Its all Bad happenings from here

I am writing this piece to remind my self about what is going to happen to me and how bad its really getting. I worked 3 days this week quitting on the 3rd day and was asked not to come back for the 4th day on a temporary contract reception assignment at an Estate Agent company. I struggled terribly to do the job and received a bad reference through the recruiter who employed me that my Line Manager had not been happy about my day 2 and 3 performance which is why they asked me not to come back on the 4th day. Thinking about all the recruiters I have been to see, it dawned on me today that the recruiter who interviewed me a few weeks back has ignored my follow up emails and queries, I am not getting feedback from the Dunston Hall recruiter and the very first recruiter who employed me at County Council does not relate to me anymore. I have bad blood with all these recruiters purely because I think the very first recruiter, Staff Call is giving out a bad reference for me and now I have another bad reference that will be put against my name by this job I did this week.

My mom and sister are sick of hearing my stories. I have created enemies at the job I did this week because I called to a women straight across from my desk to say goodbye when I was leaving and she didnt look up or acknowledge me. She just ignored me after I stood right by her desk and called her 3 times. I received very bad body language from several people going into the work place this morning and in that not only do I have work people as enemies, my family are also enemies to me.

My mother hates my guts. No one can understand that I am struggerling with an awful problem of Sphycotic thoughts and emotions and I am pleading for my life for medical help but no one will listen. I cannot understand why my medicine is not working.....

My sister said to me in the car this morning on the way to work that I would only receive serious treatment if I was found in a cubourd wrapped in a blanket mumberling to my self. What they do not understand, is this is how I really feel but Im just not doing it.

Every time I start new work, I create enemies because people can hear every second thought that runs through my mind. I am projecting my thoughts out and do not know how to stop it. Can anyone imagine how tremendously difficult that is for someone to live with and try and hold down a job with.

It was so terrifying trying to get through the week at the Estate Agent that people were hating me for having to endure hearing every insecure thought that ran through my head.

I have broken boundaries of the impossible where thoughts cannot be heard....my can.....although at the end of the story the people closest to me will not admit it. I do not know how I am going to get through this and I do not know where the road is going to take me. All I know is that I need help because I cannot help my self.

I had a dream last night that a creature like Golum from Lord of the Rings was under my bed yet this creature was about 3 times uglier then the movie character. I could see the creature clearly and it was hiding under my bed ready to create destruction.

I am frightened to death. I need to be able to hold down a job so that my family can Financially rely on me yet I cannot find the inner strength or ability to do that. I am terrified for my life and whether in the next few weeks, I will be ending myself.............................